


ikigai

by manhattanmatcha



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, i still love him doe, this is lowkey a manifestation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:40:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25734460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manhattanmatcha/pseuds/manhattanmatcha
Summary: who would have thought that tsukishima kei, a stranger to you at the beginning of the year, would become one of your "reasons for being"? a fun love story ft. your best friends and a familiar volleyball family
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Comments: 18
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i do not own haikyuu. haikyuu owns me. <3
> 
> about the title: "ikigai is a Japanese concept that means "a reason for being". the word refers to having a direction or purpose in life, that which makes one's life worthwhile, and towards which an individual takes spontaneous and willing actions giving them satisfaction and a sense of meaning to life" (from wikipedia)

You wake up this morning realizing a few things.

First, that you've overslept. Again.

And second, that your first class is Literature. The teacher has already spoken to you privately about tardiness. _Four_ times.

Breakfast is unfortunately just going to be two pieces of a cold red bean roll cake you found in the fridge. You pop them the toaster as you pull on the school uniform. Frantically, you brush your teeth and simultaneously run your fingers through your hair. It's being impossible. Spit out the toothpaste, rinse your mouth, tie your hair up in a sloppy ponytail. You get water on the collar of your uniform and curse. _There's no time, no time._ Grabbing breakfast in one hand and socks in another, you hastily slip on gym shoes at the doorway.

"I'm going!" you shout to the apartment. There is no response. You fly down the street. No, wait. There's something I'm forgetting. 

_My books!_

Ten minutes later, you've resigned to the fact that you're going to be very much late. But, you think, at least I have my schoolbag with me this time, and at least my shoes and socks are on properly, and at least I have time to eat breakfast now that I'm not rushing. And maybe, you think to yourself as you chew cheerfully, maybe there will even be a sub. 

There's not a sub. Instead, the demon teacher lets you know in front of your entire class that this is your 6th tardy, before asking (again, publicly) to meet afterwards. You simmer and seethe with embarrassment as you slink to your seat next to your best friend.

"It could have been worse," Serina whispers, laughing.

"I'm glad one of us found it funny," you stick your tongue out at her. The teacher looks pointedly at your direction and you face back forward, pulling your legs in.

The rest of the day is just typical. After class you receive a scolding from your Literature teacher and you promise to make it up to her by arriving 30 minutes earlier tomorrow. She sighs and dismisses you. You have lunch with Serina and Narumi and Misaki at your usual shady corner, where you and Serina reenact what happened in class. Narumi giggles. Misaki rolls his eyes. 

"Now, what are you rolling your eyes for," you frown playfully, leaning forward to steal one of his gyoza. He swats his hand at you and the two of you engage in a chopstick battle.

"Obviously because you're never going to do it," Narumi responds cheerfully when it's apparent Misaki can't answer. "You? Get to school not only on time, but 30 minutes _earlier?_ That's like promising that pigs can fly."

Serina glances at you slyly. "You've been late almost every day of the year. And this school year just started."

"Yeah, you pigface." Misaki finally gives up the dumpling and takes a piece broccoli from your bentou. "It's physically impossible for you." He's just salty that you stole one of his dumplings, and he knows you know it.

"You can have all the broccoli," you smirk at him generously. "And the egg, too."

In response, Misaki rolls his eyes skywards. "I'll treat all of us to McDonald's if you can get to school even 10 minutes earlier than the first bell."

Narumi gasps. "No! You can't do that. Man, you're killing me! You know how much I love McDonald's!"

Misaki shoots him a half lidded grin. "Too bad, little boy."

In your head, you're calculating how early you have to set your alarm to get to school that early. "Guys, when does class start?"

"See? My point proven." Misaki cackles. Narumi groans and buries his head in his arms.

"8:30," Serina smiles at you. You smile back at her. "Serina, I'm going to get you that McDonald's."

* * *

When you wake up at 6:35 the next morning, half of you is triumphant. The other half desperately wants to go back to sleep. The two of you duke it out for the better part of 15 minutes.

_It's very early in the morning. You don't have to be at school until 8:20. It takes 30 minutes to walk there. You could be sleeping for one more hour and still get there on time._

_If you sleep now, you'll never get up._ _And think how triumphant everyone who ever doubted you will be..!!_ You get up immediately. There's nothing like some competition to get your blood boiling. Plus, the promise of food. You take a quick shower and pad downstairs. 

As usual, the house is empty, and the fridge is basically empty. You search the cabinets instead. You open a bag of instant ramen and decide to eat it dry. Then you open the fridge again and finish off two peaches. Finally, you make yourself a salad with the remaining leaves in the box. Chewing thoughtfully, you schedule a time to go grocery shopping. After clearing the table and washing the dishes, your phone makes a notification sound. You laugh at something funny Narumi sent you.

By the time you leave, books and all, it's still only 7:40, so you take your time en route to school. You wait for the light to turn green before walking, and jump over the cracks on the sidewalk. When you arrive at Karasuno you stop by the flower club's garden and pick a purple flower to tuck it behind your ear. Then you skip all the way up to the classroom. The clock hanging over the teacher's podium at the front of the room reads: 8:18.

"I did it!" you scream. This is the earliest you've been at school in a long time. Possibly since you started high school? How would your friends and your teacher react? You're so excited, you drop your bag to the floor and do a little victory dance. "Da da da dunnnnn!"

It's only when you hear a surreptitious cough that you realize you're not alone. You whirl around and see one of your classmates. He's blonde, tall, has glasses on, and looks very nonchalant. Vaguely, you think he looks familiar. Vaguely, you realize he's very attractive. Vaguely, you feel the purple flower tucked behind your ear falling out of your hair and onto the floor.

Everything is very vague right now, because the only thing you are feeling is -- embarrassment. Extreme, toe curling mortification. 

"I... " you begin to say, not sure where you're going to say. There's no way to recover from this. "I--"

This time you're interrupted by a scream. "(NAME)!" Serina screams. "YOU DID IT!"

You secretly mutter your thanks to whoever's up there. "Yeah I did," you grin and cross your arms. "What do you take me for? Pfft. I just won us dinner, baby." She runs into you excitedly, and you two do your secret handshake before bringing your books to your desks. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the mystery blonde hide a smirk. 

At lunch you are "unbelievably cocky", as Misaki puts it. And it's true, you might be. Your teacher almost fainted when she saw you smiling widely at her from your place in class, not tardy for once. And Narumi is falling at your feet, and has christened you "Goddess".

"Yeah, well, this unbelievably cocky girl is going to be treated to free food," you loop your his arm through his. He grumbles and you just pull him in tighter.

Serina is recapping the situation for what might be the fiftieth time: "I was SHOCKED. I mean, even I usually get to class 5 minutes early, like everyone else. But today I go, why not..." she continues. You swallow grape juice that you bought from the vending machine and feel sugar trickle down your throat. "...with this rate I wouldn't be surprised if she was even earlier than Tsukishima!"

"Hey, hey hey now," you gently step in. "This was a one time thing thanks to this scrub over here." You rub Misaki's head and he head butts you, pulling his arm away to give you a nice old shove. You duck him and ask: "Who's Tsukishima?"

"You don't know?" Serina sounds surprised. "He's the really tall guy. Even though we're only first years he's a starting member on the volleyball team. He's always early to class because they have morning practice."

"Oh," you say. Volleyball, huh. Is that why he looked so familiar? You think of his cough, his smirk, the flower slipping from your ear and dropping to your feet. The mortification returns. "Oh well. Yeah, he was there before me. I didn't even notice he was there."

"He's _good_ looking," Serina says. "Only you wouldn't notice a good looking guy when you're in his proximity. I swear to god--"

"So, where are we going," Misaki cuts in. _He's uncomfortable with girl talk_ , you think. Sympathetically, you also think: _Misaki is never going to get a girlfriend_.

"The one near Sendai station!" Narumi jumps up from his phone: "Look, the McDonald's near Sendai station has a new menu! I'm going to make Misaki eat his words. I'm going to order all of this, and this, and this..."

This is nice, you think as you lean back on your pile of bags. Listening to Misaki and Narumi argue about who can finish what, you close your eyes. Behind your eyelids, the sky is blue, and Serina is laughing. It's peaceful.


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe you've misread.

It's a week since the day you went out to McDonald's with your friends and sitting at your desk, your legs shaking frantically, you think, maybe I've misread. Carefully, you unfold the triangle on the upper right corner of a crumpled piece of paper and peek at the red handwriting underneath. Nope, you haven't misread. The paper that you spent roughly 48 hours on. The paper that the teacher gave a B.

Serina hands you a pencil, a note addressed to you tucked underneath the cap. _Do you want to talk?_

 _Don't want to even think about it._ You reply. _Today sucks._

_:( Want to go to 7-11 during lunch? I'll buy you a peach drink._

_No. Thanks though. I think I'm going to go to the infirmary._

At lunch, after convincing your friends that you are _fine,_ you lie on one of the beds in the infirmary. The nurse is nowhere to be found. Through the window, sunlight filters in and catches dust particles doing their slow and particular dance. Shouts of schoolmates can be heard from the courtyard. You pull the curtain up around your cot. 

Here's a secret you've kept from your closest friends and family: sometimes, when you're alone and quiet and have space to think, your mind succumbs to darkness.

It's more than just your plain reflection in the mirror, or a failing test grade, or the way your body looks in a bikini. It's a thick, unrelenting, suffocating cloud of despair. Every night, it brings to mind the phrase: "A whole is greater than the sum of its parts."

It's different every time. Some nights you cry yourself to sleep. Some nights you distract yourself and inevitably pass out in front of the television. Some nights you wake up at the crack of dawn and refuse to get out of bed, watching the numbers change on the clock on your nightstand. Some nights there are no tears and you're just empty, used up, barren, staring at the glow in the dark stars pasted on your ceiling. 

Always it's unbearable.

Today you feel that same shadow pass over you, that familiar pressure building in your chest. Sure enough, it doesn't take long before tears begin leaking from your eyes. "It's not even about the B," you think to yourself. "It's about me trying so hard and pulling an all nighter and thinking it was going to go well. Because I did try so hard. And I had so much hope. And it turns out all that hard work only amounts to a stupid B. I'm _worthless,_ " now that you're on a roll you can't stop. "I can't do a single thing right."

"I just want to be outstanding for one thing. I'm so bland and average. I just want one thing,"

"I'm so sick of myself. I hate myself. I wish I could delete my existence,"

"I--" your train of thought is interrupted by the infirmary door opening, and closing. Thinking it's the nurse, you sit up and brush aside the curtain. You're about to ask her for an excused absence slip when you realize it is not, in fact, the nurse who is standing in front of you. It's the tall blonde kid from your Literature class.

He stands there, almost as tall as the doorway. "Um, hi," you say awkwardly. You have a mental image of what you look like right now -- messy hair, snot all over face, red eyes -- and grimace. 

"Hi," he responds shortly after a pause. 

"The nurse isn't in. She's on her lunch break. She'll probably be back in 25 minutes."

In response, he holds up his jammed finger. It's swollen and looks painful, but his face is impassive.

Grudgingly you find a sort of respect for him. "The tape is over there. It's the second door from the left. There should be some splints there too if you need one. And there's ice packs in the fridge."

He turns to the cabinets and you take a peek at the mirror. You look as bad as you anticipated, if not worse. _I need to get out of here as fast as possible._ Grabbing a few tissues, you attempt to remedy your face and dry your neck. You throw your hair into a messy ponytail and sling your bag over your shoulder, checking that nothing is missing.

"Wait."

You turn at the doorway to see him sitting awkwardly on one of the beds holding an ice bag with one hand. "Yes?"

"Um. Would you mind, you know," he gestures to the tape, the splints, on the bed with his free hand. "I can't do it myself."

You could be a bitch and walk away, you think. But this guy has also seen you in two very different emotional and vulnerable situations. "Okay," you think quickly. "But you can't tell anybody that I was. You know. Like this." Your voice breaks on the last word. He holds your gaze in a silent agreement.

The two of you work wordlessly: he positions the splint as you wrap tape around his index and middle fingers, you take the ice bag from him and wrap it in cloth. The finished job is a pretty damn good one, if you say so yourself.

"Thanks," he says, breaking the silence.

"Huh- oh. No problem, uh, ..."

"Tsukishima. Tsukishima Kei."

"I'm-"

"I know your name," Tsukishima says. "Because you're always late." He says this in a very matter of fact way. Then he stands up. 

_You are so tall,_ you think to yourself. 

He puts the tape and scissors back into the cabinet and leaves the room with a careless wave. You flop back onto the bed, hands thrown to the sides.

Somehow the clouds have been kept at bay. You gauge the state of your wellbeing: you're upset, but it's no longer at the point to where you need to go home anymore. The pressure filling your chest, pressing behind your eyes, whispering in your ear, has lifted.

You sit up.

* * *

A few days pass until the one you've been anticipating. You wake up early and get to school 30 minutes before class starts, holding a suspiciously overfilled bag. You creep over to Serina's desk and giggle gleefully.

A few classmates slip in as you're getting carried away, greeting you and raising eyebrows at the mess you're making. You grin back at them. "My best friend's birthday is the most important day of the year," you tell them proudly.

Narumi pops into your classroom to see if the girl of the day has arrived. Misaki texts you the same question. "She has not," you reply to him. From your now mostly empty bag, you pull out Serina's present and hand it over to Narumi. You guys have planned on doing gift giving during lunch. 

At 8:15, someone tall walks in through the door just as you're tying the balloon to the back of the chair. The knot is hard to make and the balloon keeps flying up. "Good morning, Tsukishima," you call out. You're determined to make him forget his first two impressions of you, so you've been very on time and loud and cheerful as of late. "It's Serina's birthday today, so don't forget to wish her the best year ever!"

He glances everything you've placed on her desk - the flowers you've artfully arranged, her favorite convenience store drink, a party cap with a show offy pompom - and gives you a teeny smirk. "Need help with that?"

"Yes please. It can't be a regular ugly knot, though. I want a big beautiful butterfly bow."

He comes around to Serina's desk and takes the string. You notice his hands and fingertips are callused. "One big beautiful butterfly bow coming right up."

"Thanks," you tell him when he's done. He takes the chocolate you offer him as compensation silently.

When Serina finally gets here, 2 minutes before class starts, she screams and lifts you off your feet. The teacher rolls her eyes but is amused. Serina wears the party hat happily and shakes her head to feel the pompom move.

"Wow," she tells you, Narumi and Misaki at lunchtime, after the gift giving ritual has been carried out and the appropriate amount of cheering has been fulfilled, "I could get used to this."

Misaki shakes his head. "Sorry kid. You've just used up a whole lifetime's worth of love. Be prepared to be utterly ignored and neglected from now on."

"I think I ate too much," Narumi groans. Misaki laughs and says, "You think? You ate half of the cake. Like literally, half." He pokes a finger at Narumi's side and Narumi grabs his finger, the two of them scuffling.

Serina continues: "I think I'm going to confess to my crush today."

This gets all three of your guys' attention. You drop the candy wrapper you were playing with. Misaki stops twisting. Narumi takes advantage of his momentary stillness and brings Misaki's finger to his mouth. _CHOMP._

"OW!" Misaki roars. "You are so gross!"

"Ignore them," you say. "Go on."

"I've kind of had my eye on him for a while," she says, playing with her fingers. "And the reason I didn't tell you guys, is because I wasn't sure if it was a crush, or if I really admired him. But then yesterday I was reading _Cosmo_ , and it said how would you feel if someone else confessed to them? And it said if you were fine with it, you probably didn't have a crush, but if you felt something, then, well..." she trails off.

You squeal. "This is so exciting!"

Misaki and Narumi have gone sort of stiff, looking at each other apprehensively. _Our b_ _oys,_ you think fondly, _really are useless_. "Ehm, congrats?" Misaki offers.

"Um, thanks," Narumi replies.

"You idiot. I wasn't speaking to you."

"You- Wha- How was I supposed to know! What does congrats mean?"

"So who is he?" You're intrigued. Serina being shy? Serina reading _Cosmo_? Who is this boy who has transformed your best friend?

She blushes. "Well, he's in class 5... his name is Yamaguchi Tadashi."


	3. Chapter 3

Over the past few weeks, the dynamics of your friend group has experienced some changes. Some pleasant, some harder to get used to. 

One change is that your best friend since the age of 8 has started dating Yamaguchi Tadashi. He is tall -- 180 cm -- with dark hair, big eyes, and freckles. He is friendly, and very kind, and sort of shy. He's a pinch server on the volleyball team. He is also the best friend of Tsukishima Kei.

Which is why the two of them have begun eating lunch with your little group.

This is something that's been harder to get used to for you. The balance of your friendship has been put under pressure with the addition of two almost strangers. Before, lunchtime used to be your respite. Now, with Yamaguchi and Serina talking in a huddle quietly, Narumi and Misaki animatedly discussing the new video game that came out, you feel... detached. You flop onto the grass and imagine which clouds look like what.

You peek to your left at Tsukishima. He's eating from a pink flowery bento with his headphones in. _Pink, huh,_ you think. _Girlfriend?_

 _No, no. Maybe he likes pink._ You giggle, imagining the tall and perpetually sulky Tsukishima choosing a pretty and flowery container at the grocery store. _That's wrong of me to laugh. Seriously, I shouldn't be passing judgement! Stop laughing!_

"Something funny?" the person in question asks you, one eyebrow raised.

You abruptly stop laughing. "I remembered something funny from two days ago."

"While looking at me."

"While looking at you." You smile.

"Sorry," Misaki calls out to him. "She, uh, tends to see things that aren't there. Take your medication already, freak."

"Ignore him," you roll your eyes. "Misaki, eavesdropping? Pretty pathetic." That's a lame riposte, and you both know it. He smugly grins at you. You throw your bread wrapper at him. "So, Tsukishima..."

He raises one eyebrow again.

"God, stop doing that!"

"I bet you can't," he replies.

"That's why," you admit balefully. "I spent 4 months last year trying to learn. But I kept just raising both eyebrows instead. Now that's 4 months of my life I'm never getting back."

"Go on, in any instance."

"Well, tell me about Yamaguchi."

"I think you can tell what kind of guy he is," Tsukishima smirks, looking down at me. "But in case you still have any doubts, I will tell you he is the best man I will probably ever know."

You hum noncommittally. "What about you?"

"Was this all an elaborate ploy to get to know more about me? Well in that case, you needn't have. You could've asked straight out and I would've answered. I--"

"Shut up," you groan and throw your hands over your face. "I don't want to hear anymore."

You peek at him through your fingers. The two of you are both smiling.

* * *

 _You all are coming to our game tomorrow._ Misaki texts the groupchat late at night. _Right?_

 _Eugh. I don't know. I might be busy._ This is you.

 _With what? You're part of the going home club anyways._ This is Narumi. You roll your eyes. "Going home club" is such a stupid name.

Serina's text comes in: _I'm watching the volleyball team... they have a match today too... sorry guys! >< _

Misaki responds with a cute crying Shiba Inu gif. _You love him more than us. (Name), you have no excuse. You must come._

 _I ..._ you try to think of a good excuse.

Misaki and Narumi are on the soccer team, and as much as you love them, cheering them on at their games is... difficult. Standing around the field with a bunch of squealing girls fawning over everyone, you get a heightened sense of awareness that they're not the same kids you all were when you were 8. Misaki no longer cries for his mommy. Narumi no longer eats dirt. Now, they've grown: they are annoying and tall and loud and strong and even _popular_ , something that your mind can't grasp. That's another thing -- you can't stand when their fangirls peek at you, clearly wondering, _Why are they friends with her!?_

"I know, right," you almost want to say to them. "I'm super bland in comparison. I get it. It's just that we've been friends for a long time. You can't get rid of history like that."

 _Quit trying to get out of this,_ Narumi writes. _Misaki wants to show you his cool side._

 _LOL,_ Serina texts.

 _I'm always cool,_ Misaki replies. _(Name), I'm going to drag you to the game if I have to, and then Coach will yell at me for being late, and I'll point at you in the bleachers._

Your heart would explode with that much attention. Literally combust. _I'm coming, I'm coming,_ you write hastily. 

_Heh._

_I hate you._

Even though a part of you really is upset, a bigger part of you knows that Misaki is doing this because he is worried. They all are secretly worried for you. Even though they don't say it outright, you see it in their intercepted glances, their bit lips, their lingering gazes. They think it's upsetting you're always going home to an empty house. Serina always walks you back. Narumi sends you funny things to watch. Misaki refuses to let you go home. _This is his way of caring for me_ , you remind yourself, _cherish it._

So you feel good about attending his game. Besides, soccer is fun to watch. The ball passes from one player to another so quickly. It's fascinating.

You yell when Misaki scores a goal, the ball zinging from one of the goal posts to deep in the net.

You gasp as one of the second years executes the Marseille turn perfectly. "No way," you breathe.

You cheer when Karasuno wins 3-2.

"Not bad, huh," Misaki grins to you outside the boys locker room, where you've been sitting, waiting for him and Narumi. His hair is still wet. Narumi pops out from behind him, squats down next to you and offers you a lemon candy. 

"Thanks," you tell him, and rub his head. To Misaki you say: "Who is the guy who did the Roulette?"

"Really," He rolls his eyes. Narumi pops back up and offers you a hand. "What about the goal I scored? The first goal? In the game?"

"That was very impressive," you tell him seriously. "You were like Cruyff." Misaki goes all red in the face. _How endearingly simple minded,_ you smile to yourself.

You take Narumi's hand and he pulls you up. You dust yourself off. "But who was he?"

"Our senior. Tetsu-san," Narumi says to you. The three of you begin to walk to the exit.

"His footwork is beautiful." You think back to it again. 

"Yeah. That's what we all think."

Misaki grumbles something about how he's never noticed, never appreciated, blah blah blah. You pull the strap of his bag until he stops and turns to look at you. Taking his towel from his bag, you pull it over his head. "Next time, dry your hair properly, Mr. Underappreciated."

"What about me?" Narumi asks. "I even gave you my lemon candy. Hmph."

"Come over here," you laugh, and rub his head with Misaki's towel.

"Hey, it's wet!"

On the way home, the three of you link arms like you did when you were children. It's good things don't change. You are feeling inside out happiness.


	4. Chapter 4

"So," your new neighbor says, looking at you. 

"So," you respond, looking back at him but not really seeing anything.

How did you get here again? Let's rewind a few minutes.

_"You guys have become too comfortable. I let you choose your own seats, and this is what I get,"_

_"Talking when you're not supposed to, passing notes. It's unacceptable. And I am sick of allowing this to happen right under my nose,"_

_"I'm assigning seats,"_

_"(Name), you will be sitting next to... Tsukishima Kei."_

You throw a pitiful glance at the back of the room where Serina is sitting. She responds with a pouty face. You're currently seated at the very front of the room. The front of the room! You hate the front of the room.

"I hate being in the front of the room," you tell Tsukishima.

"Mm," he responds.

"It's like, now the teacher is looking at me all the time. No more doodling instead of taking notes. And it's going to be super obvious whenever I look at the clock now, you know? Which I do do a lot of. Looking at the clock, I mean."

Tsukishima looks the other way. You see his fingers holding his earphones twitch. You grin.

"And I love to chatter. And now that I'm in the front, I can't chatter. Not that you would want to chatter with me. Would you? Want to chatter with me?"

He turns around. Gives in. "No."

"...and Anna, you're next to Nobara in the upper left. That's everyone, right?" the teacher checks off something on her notepad. "Okay, face front now. Today we're going to talk about..."

* * *

"So basically it was awful," you summarise, hands thrown out for emphasis. "You--" you point at Tsukishima "--did not look at me once. And neither did the girl on my right. And I don't have a window seat, so I couldn't look at the sky. I'm totally okay if she's going to assign us seats, but why couldn't I have been given a window seat? I would have been happy if nobody talked to me for the rest of my high school career even if she gave me a window seat. She knows I love the sky. She knows, right? Everyone knows I love the sky."

"You do?" Yamaguchi asks. 

"She's been obsessed with the sky since... I don't know. Sometimes she stands outside for hours just looking at it." Serina nods. "But right now she's just freaking out. When she freaks out she goes off on tangents."

"That is true," you nod.

"That is kind of odd," Tsukishima says.

"Everything about (Name) is kind of odd," Narumi pipes up. You narrow your eyes at him. He offers you a smile and a rice cracker. You take it. You notice Tsukishima watching this exchange with laughing eyes.

"Did you just..."

"What?" you say, a little mock belligerently.

"Nevermiiiind... it's just you're a lot more simple than I thought."

Misaki cackles at this. You lunge for the two of them, but Misaki jumps up and Tsukishima is closer anyways. You snatch off his glasses. He grabs your wrist. You're unprepared for that and you fall forward. He is knocked off balance and he falls backwards. _Too tall,_ you think for a split second.

Your eyes stare into golden brown ones. You watch as they widen in surprise, and then narrow into a now familiar smirk.

"Please control your hormones, (Name)," Tsukishima says. "We're in school. This is uncompromising and inappropriate."

You stifle your scream.

* * *

"That was _straight_ out of some shoujo manga," Serina tells you, bouncing on the heels of her feet as the two of you walk home. " _Seriously._ I didn't know you had it in you."

"For the last time," you huff. "I did not tackle him. He pulled me down. Okay? He. Pulled. Me. Down."

"Well, for what it's worth--"

"--don't--"

"--I think the two of you would make a great couple," she says.

"--say it," You groan. "Ugh, I knew it would come to this. From when you started dating Yamaguchi. I knew your mind would soon make this kind of connection."

"You do find him attractive." Serina doesn't say this as a question.

"He is physically attractive," you think. "And I enjoy bantering with him. He is sarcastic and funny. But that's _me,_ Serina! We're both dry and not that motivated to do anything at all. I don't want to date another me. I want to date someone who is nice and sweet and..."

"And motivated," Serina finishes for you.

"Yes, exactly."

"Hmm..."

"I know what you're doing. You're thinking about who would be a good match with me. And honestly... I don't think I need a boyfriend right now, you know? I'm so lucky to be able to spend my high school life with my closest friends. I like things the way they are, peaceful. I don't want drama." You are convincing not only her, but yourself right now, when you say: "Things are perfect right now." Because they are. This is as close as it gets.

Your best friend surrenders with a smile. "Okay. That's fair." She leans in conspiratorially. "Honestly, I'm not ready to share you with anyone yet, anyways."


	5. Chapter 5

"You can take off your shoes at the front," you call out. It's been such a long time since anybody but you has entered this doorway, you muse to yourself.

When the group proposed somewhere to study, your house was the one everyone decided on. You're a little anxious, even though you spent 3 hours yesterday cleaning. Is the house muggy? Yes. It is a little stale. You open the windows.

"No, it's too hot," Serina groans. "AC, I want AC."

"Where's the remote," you think as you pull the windows shut. "Oh! It's--"

"I found it," Narumi holds something up. "I think."

"No, that's for the TV."

"Is it this?" a soft voice chirps. You look over at the short blonde girl, and smile. "Yes! Thank you, Yachi!"

Yachi is the volleyball team manager. Serina sits by her whenever she watches the volleyball team practice, and they became friends very quickly, which is why she's joining today's ultimate bonanza/potluck/studyfest. You like her. She is very shy and anxious, and stutters and blushes a lot. But you like her devotion and honesty.

Serina grabs the remote and presses on. "Thank god."

"Thanks for having us again!" a loud voice startles you. You turn around and see Hinata, another first year. He's short and energetic and very passionate about volleyball. Next to him stands Kageyama, (his partner? best friend? rival? you're unclear) who bows.

"Don't worry about it, it's no big deal," you tell them.

Tsukishima, who was dragged here, scowls. "Don't be polite with them. You're going to regret this soon. They have pea sized brains. Why are the two of you here?"

Kageyama scowls back. "Is this your house?"

Tsukishima retorts: "It's not yours either, and I know you're royalty and all that shit, but--"

"--Seriously, the more the merrier. And honestly, I'm going to need all that help." You roll your eyes at Tsukishima. "What's up your ass?"

"Yeah, that was low, Tsukki!"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi."

"Sorry, Tsukki!"

There's a knock on the door. You open it to: "I'm here," Misaki announces. "I come bearing goods." He holds up three full convenience store bags.

Everyone lets out a loud cheer. 

* * *

As it turns out, you end up in little groups sprawled all over the living room floor. You are laying on your stomach next to Hinata, Kageyama, and Tsukishima. 

"Misaki, I'll trade you a red bean for pork." Narumi whines.

"Deal." Misaki and Narumi throw their breads across the room at the same time. A pork packaged bun hits your head. You glare at Misaki, who blows you a kiss. You roll your eyes and hurl it at Narumi's face. He catches it without noticing.

Turning back, you realized you've disrupted some papers. "Woah," your eyes widen. "Hinata, your scores are bad."

"W-What!?" Hinata splutters. "This is the highest I've ever scored in Math!"

"A 42!?"

"Kageyama got a 38!"

"Hinata, you dumbass!"

"It's cause they've got muscles for brains," Tsukishima remarks dryly.

You laugh and peek at Tsukishima's test scores. _98, 99, 95, 92, 100._ "Wow, my parents would kill to have you as their son," you joke.

He takes your scoresheet and glances it over. You grimace. _86, 92, 90, 88, 94._ "That's not bad."

"Thanks," you say sarcastically.

"Okay, fine -- they suck." He grins. "But it could be worse."

"That's true. I think I would get kicked out if I got a 42."

"Really?"

"Yeah. No. I don't know. It's a possibility," you muse. "They're chill, but also really smart, but also chill, but also..."

"Really smart, yeah yeah. They won't mind that we were here?"

"They're not home right now."

His eyes ask the question.

"On a business trip. America, maybe?"

"You live alone?"

"Who wants to know?" You grin up at him. "Don't be getting any ideas, Tsukishima Kei..."

"You wish," Tsukishima hits your head with the back of his hand lightly. "Study."

"Party pooper." You look at him one more time, before you return to your maths book, and he's blushing. _Heh_.

"I don't get this one," you tell him 4 questions later. He leans forward as you shift the book so it's facing him. 

"You have to format the fractions in a way so that the units cancel out." He takes the pencil. "Instead of miles/seconds times miles/feet, it should be miles/seconds times feet/miles."

Oh. "Oh. Thanks."

"How do you do this one," Kageyama asks Tsukishima's Adam's apple. Tsukishima sneers. Hinata crawls over to hear the explanation. You flop back on your back and gaze at the ceiling, his voice beginning to lull you to sleep: "Well, let's see..." 

* * *

When you blink to consciousness, the house is quiet. It is dusk. You sit up, rub your eyes, stretch. "I guess they left," you yawn.

"That's right," a voice whispers into your ear. You scream and punch.

"Ow!" This is the voice of Tsukishima Kei.

"You scared me!" 

"I cleaned the floor for you!"

"Why are you still here!"

"You were sleeping on my jacket!"

"You should've woken me!"

"Nah," Tsukishima glances away, suddenly giving up. "You looked like you needed a rest."

This is funny to you, for some reason. "Damn," you can't help laughing. "I guess I looked rough?"

"You have the darkest eye circles," he tells you, "and you're always yawning in class."

The two of you make eye contact. This time, you're the one to look away. "You still didn't answer my question," you joke, trying to lighten the mood. "Do I look that bad?"

"No. I think you're pretty."

This is too much for you. "Wha...!" you jump up, blushing furiously. Even your feet, which have always run cold, are burning right now. "What are you saying!"

Tsukishima smirks. "Has a guy never told you you're pretty before, (Name)? That's a pretty deprived life you're living." He gets up also, picking up his jacket. "Anyways, I better get going now."

"O- okay." You clear your throat and toss you head back. "I'll walk you to the bus."

"Oooookay." You hear a victorious smile in his voice, and you fight one of your own. 

"So what's the story with you and your bunch," Tsukishima asks as you guys lope down the street. Your shadows are long. The sun is about to set feels good on your hands. You count one, two, three star shaped clouds before you answer.

"Childhood friends," you tell him. "We met when we were 8. Back then, I was taller than all three of them." You sigh. "Now, I'm almost 177 and Narumi is almost 183. And I know you are 189, so don't even think about saying a thing."

"190, actually," Tsukishima grins. "Point one."

You mimic barfing. His grin gets wider.

"And you've never dated any of them?" his tone is casual, very casual.

You mimic barfing again. "Narumi is a child. He loves being coddled. Misaki is a mother. He loves coddling. The two of them are good for each other, but not us. Me and Serina, I mean." You're not sure why you're clarifying this for him, for anyone.

He _hmms_ quietly. "I think Misaki likes you."

"Ooh, I didn't know you liked to gossip," you poke him. "You should have told me this sooner! We could've bonded way faster!"

"Really."

"Well, I don't know," you shrug. "Maybe he thinks he likes me, or maybe I'm reading everything wrong and he's actually my soulmate. I don't think so though. He's my best friend who loves to eat and I love to steal his food. I'm his best friend who's a little slow in every aspect of life and he loves to pull me around. Friendship is the most important thing in life for the four of us."

"Really." he says again.

"Yes. But now you, Tsukishima. We're already good friends, but now that I know you love to gossip, I'm sticking to your side like glue."

He groans. You giggle.

While you were talking, the sun has slipped further and further down, and the sky has been brushed with streaks of pink and orange and dark blue. You're mesmerized by these colors. How is the sky real? you think. How is any of this real? How do I live in a world where the sky looks like this? The clouds look like they've been painted into the sky. The moon is faint, faint but still shining. You're reverent.

You don't even realize you've walked to the bus stop. You forget that Tsukishima is there with you, matching your stride. You're absorbed into the scene unfolding before you. When the sun finally sets, you let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding.

"That was so beautiful," you say out loud. The magic hasn't left you yet -- you're speaking half to Tsukishima, half to yourself.

"Yeah," he replies, and his voice brings you back to this world, the present. "Yeah. It was."


	6. Chapter 6

You and Tsukishima Kei. Who would've thought the two of you would make such good friends? And yet it works. You find him funny, and you appreciate him calling you out on your bullshit. The two of you are close in your own way: you never call, but you do text, even though it's always punctuated by a few hours. You don't talk about your lives but you send funny videos with the caption: "This reminded me of you" or "This is something you would do". And the two of you sit together in your classes. The two of you do homework together in lunch.

Your new bond has not gone unnoticed by your friends. Serina nudges you whenever a text from Tsukishima comes in when the two of you are hanging out, and she grins even though you roll your eyes and lock your phone without responding. Narumi has sent multiple suspicious texts over the course of the several weeks. They're variations of the same conversation:

_R u and Tsukishima dating!!??  
R U going to abandon us now too???????  
U can't. Then the only singles in the group will be me and Misaki. What if he gets ideas...._

_No comment re Tsukishima. I_ told _you and I_ keep telling _you that we r friends. Friends. !!!! You know, like you and me???_

_Ooook... if anything happens tho I have to be the first to know. Also if anything happens I called it._

_Nothing is going to happen -_-  
BTW, I happen to think u and Misaki makes a great couple._

Misaki is the one acting closest to normal, except for this: he's been asking to meet up a lot more than usual. Because he is the same old Misaki, it's been relaxing spending time with him. At his proposals, the two of you explore bookshops and libraries during the weekends. You're a little confused, because you know that libraries and bookshops are on the top of his most hated places to go list -- in fact, you feel him fidgeting and scratching his arms when the two of you hang out. When you ask him whether he'd like to go somewhere else, though, he splutters: "Wha- no! I love it here! Quit bothering me, I'm checking out this book!"

You decide to let the matter slide. You also decide not to point out that the manga he's holding is upside down. Anyways, you love books, so it's not really a punishment if Misaki insists on staying here.

Today at lunch, the group is feeling the effects of the hot May morning, so all 6 of you run to the store nearby and get popsicles. Yamaguchi catches a dribble of red on Serina's cheek with a napkin, and she smiles at him, her hand reaching for his.

"Dude, it's so hot," Narumi groans. "Do not punish the poor guy. Do not hold his hand." While he's talking, you get peeks of his tongue which has been stained green by his popsicle.

"No, I want to," Yamaguchi says.

Serina sticks her own very red tongue out at Narumi. "This is why you're single," she says.

"I got confessed to by a girl in Class 2 yesterday!"

"And?" you laugh.

"We're going to a cafe over the weekend," he says. "How's that for single?"

"You take several girls to several cafes all the time, and you never follow through with them," Misaki points out. You nod, licking the side of your milk popsicle bar so it doesn't drip on your fingers.

"Okay, so? At least I'm still going on dates. What about _you_ , and (Name), and Tsukishima? You're all single and I know for a fact that you're not going on dates."

"How do you know I'm not going on dates?" Tsukishima asks.

You turn to look at him. "You're going on dates?"

"No, he's not," Narumi says smugly. "How do I know? Because I would've heard about it. Maybe not as much as me, but: Tsukishima-- is-- popular--." 

Tsukishima looks very amused as he finishes his popsicle. Then he raises his eyebrows. "Damn, I got a winner."

"It's probably because he's tall. And so many girls go for the blondes," Narumi continues.

"What? How!? I have bought over 500 popsicles from this store and I have never, ever gotten a winner." Even you sound a little petulant to your ears.

"Oh my god. She even emailed the brand once. She never got a reply." Serina tells Yamaguchi, and they laugh. Misaki adds: "She was so mad about it. During middle school, all she ate was popsicles. That's what she spent her weekly allowance on: popsicles. And still, not a single one. That's kind of amazing, actually, if you think about it. Over 500 popsicles, and you haven't won once."

"Well, today's your lucky day, kid." Tsukishima deposits his stick into your hands.

"It's definitely _not_ because of his personality. Wait, what?" Narumi stops. "Tsukishima. You can't just give it to _her!_ Do you know what that stick means? It doesn't just mean that you're giving up an icy, cold, delicious popsicle free of charge in the middle of this very sweltering weather! It means that you're giving up a year's worth of good luck! If you don't want it _I_ want it! It's wasted on her!"

"That's for saying it's _definitely_ not my personality," Tsukishima smirks. 

"I- you-!!"

* * *

You're sitting on your bed, applying moisturizer, when you get the text.

**Tsukishima Kei:** _Want to go somewhere this weekend?_

**Me:** _Depends on where._

**Tsukishima Kei:** _It's a surprise._

**Me:** _I hate surprises._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _No you don't._

 **Me:** _Damn. You got me._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _So?_

 **Me:** _Yes._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _I'll pick you up at 9 on Saturday._


	7. Chapter 7

The outfit that you and Serina decide on is an orange short sleeved T-shirt, a cute white tennis skirt, and sneakers.

Maybe not decide. Compromise is the better word. Serina voted for a tank top and shorts, and you wanted to wear your school uniform. ("What?" you asked in response to her half shocked, half exasperated look.) She marketed this look to you as: "glorified pajamas", which you were up for. What you hadn't known was how short the skirt was, or how loose the collar of the shirt was. But you feel athletic and comfortable, like you could spontaneously run a mile without breaking a sweat right now, like you could jump really high and touch a cloud. Or maybe now, it's hot as hell. You pull your hair up into a sweaty updo as you look around the crowded area.

Suddenly you feel a tug on the strings of your tote bag. Immediately you swing around and put up your fists. You unclench them under the smiling eyes of Tsukishima.

"Sorry about that. I couldn't get your attention, so I pulled on your bag." His eyes are dancing with mirth. "Nice stance."

"Your eyes don't look sorry," you tell him. "They're laughing at me."

"Oh, really? And I even told them to be on their best behavior today. Stupid eyes." He tugs your wrist. "Let's go, or we'll be late."

"Where are we going?"

"Nice try."

On the bus, you try to glean more information from him, but Tsukishima doesn't budge. By the time you two board the subway, you end up giving up. "Don't you have practice?" you ask. "The interhigh is coming up."

"Coach and Takeda-sensei gave us a break. The idiots are obviously not going to listen, but I intend to have the break that was prescribed."

"Nice. Do you like volleyball?"

"I think it's just something I've done my whole life. I don't exactly love or hate it." He tilts his head. "Hinata and Kageyama... they've got natural talent and ambition. It's like they live, breathe, volleyball. I'm not like that."

 _Liar,_ you think. _I've seen you at practice. You're talented in reading others, remaining level headed, figuring out what's in front of you and what you have to do_. _You just won't put your heart on the table,_ you muse. _If only you could see yourself the way I see you. You are so talented and instinctive, the good kind, that's borne through practice. Volleyball loves you. Why won't you let yourself enjoy it?_ Out loud you say lightly, "That's cool."

"Yeah. What about you? Any hobbies?"

"Sleep," you say. "I've slept through one and a half days before. I'm pretty sure that's a record."

"We'll have to look it up."

"Ooh, d'you think if it really was a record they'd put my name and picture in the Guinness World Record? That's always been a dream of mine."

"Possibly, possibly," he says. "What are your other dreams?"

Tsukishima is good at making you talk, you realize. "I've always wanted... to open a cafe and film vlogs. Search up cafevlog on Youtube. It's so relaxing. I could spend days just watching it all. Oh, but that wouldn't work, because I hate doing dishes. Also I couldn't control myself. I'd eat everything and get fat."

"You could hire someone to do the dishes," he says. "And you can afford to eat more, in my opinion."

"Thanks. Right back atcha. Your turn to tell me a dream."

"I... actually. I had a weird dream last night. I went to school, and realized I was in my boxers. They were dinosaur patterned."

You giggle. 

"All my dreams at night are like that. Embarrassing and humiliating. And at the most awkward moment, I wake up."

"That's a good thing," you tease. "That means you have everything you need and want in your life already. That's why your dreams are worse than reality."

"Wrong," he says.

"I read it online! I swear! I'm looking for the article right now!"

"No," he says. "I meant you're wrong about having everything I want already."

* * *

"AQUARIUM!!!!!!!" You jump up and down. "Tsukishima. It's the aquarium, the aquarium! I haven't been here in a million years. Literally a million years! The last time I went was when I was 10! In America! Chicago! That was my first time too! And now I'm here again!!!!"

Tsukishima glances at you with a furrow in his brow. "You're like a kid."

"I love this place!"

He cracks a grin. "Yeah, I thought you might." 

You're so excited, you feel like you're vibrating. Really. Waves of energy are emitting your body. Tsukishima laughs at you, but you're too busy bouncing on the balls of your feet to retort. And before he blinks, you've already bought tickets for the two of you, dragging him through the entrance by the hand. The bouncer looks at the two of you with a smirk before punching your tickets.

"Hey. I was going to pay."

"But you had the idea, and you brought us here, so it's my treat."

"That in no way makes any sense."

"You can get the tickets next time," you concede, dropping his wrist. "But for now! Fish!" 

"This way, silly."

The room you two walk into instantly silences you.

It's dark. You're surrounded with blue, water, life, even though there is so much silence. The silence nourishes you, consumes you. You touch your fingers to the floor to ceiling glass, looking on in wonder as a triangle shaped fish swims by. It's so colorful, and tiny, and fragile. You watch its tiny mouth open and blow out bubbles.

Seriously. Those tiny angel wing fins. Those tiny lips.

 _I could probably break its bones with one hand_ , you think sadly to yourself. It's sad, because it's so beautiful. Beautiful things should be strong by virtue of how powerful their beauty renders the rest of us. But they're so often not.

The fish serenely swims on, ignorant of its own fragility, ignorant of the sadness you feel. It shakes its ass at you as it goes by.

Then there is a pack of smaller fish. _They're having fun!_ You think. _That's me and my friends at school!_ _That's us! I'm you, fish!_ As the school of fish gets closer and closer to where you are at the window, you press your face to the glass. You're trying to communicate to them: _I'm you! And you're me! We have fun! We're just like you, without a care in the world!_ But the fish are startled. They dart away, still in a perfect formation.

You look to your side at Tsukishima, who's already looking at you. "I was trying to tell them that I'm the same," you tell him a little sorrowfully. "That I have fun with my friends, too. But I scared them away."

"Forget them. Here's Nemo," he responds. You turn back to the glass. It's true! It's Nemo. He's clueless and a bit out of it, circling around aimlessly. "Where's the attitude? Not at all like the movie," you sulk.

"I bet it makes you cry."

"No bet."

"Heh."

Tsukishima and you see turtles next. There are stingrays, too. The turtles look like they are gliding on ice. They look like they are the ice in Serina's iced Americano. The stingrays move like you have just shaken a carpet, and the dust is rearranging itself into a comfortable position on the floor. They also look like elephant ears.

"Floppy," Tsukishima says.

You agree: "Very floppy."

You see penguins next. "So wobbly!" is the verdict.

"Adorable," Tsukishima says.

You do a double take. "No way did that word just come out of your mouth. Can I record it!? Say it again for me, please."

He swats at you. "Did you know penguins are dinosaurs? They've practically been around since then."

Tsukishima wants to see eels. You shiver. "Why would you want to see them for?"

"Hey, are you... judging a book by its cover? I would've thought someone as kind and caring and nonjudgemental as you would realize that eels, despite having the misfortune to look like snakes, are actually very fun and friendly."

"Snakes scare me," you sniff, but you step closer to the glass.

The two of you name the moray eels Sandy and George.

"I want to change his name."

"No, you can't take back a name. Now we'll have to change the birth certificate. We'll have to pay for that too. We're in school still. Income is an issue. We have to budget. We can't be spending money flamboyantly like this," you tell him.

"Okay. Valid points. But he might, and I mean will, grow up to resent me if he finds out I named him George. This is for the sake of our future father and son relationship." 

"Too bad so sad."

"Great parenting."

Today is so much fun. _I want today to be forever,_ you think.

Seeing a beluga whale would be the perfect end to this day. But it's almost too much to hope for, or so you think. Tsukishima brings you there last -- and there she is, in all her glory. The plaque nearby names her Ichigo, daughter of Mikan. The plaque includes that Mikan has been going through a bit of a depressive episode ever since her best friend Hotaru fell ill and had to be transported elsewhere. Mikan spends most of her time forgetting her sadness by sleeping. But there's Ichigo, sweet and trusting Ichigo, who has the most friendly and innocent look.

You tear up. It's a sensory overload reaction. With Mikan and Hotaru's story, with Ichigo's open expression, with all the blue, the peace within you is engulfing you. It's the good kind of tears, the kind that happens when your heart is full.

Tsukishima leans in closer to you. "Did you know that plaque is outdated?" His voice is low, breathy. He is a bad whisperer. He's probably never whispered throughout class. It tickles your ears.

"No," you whisper back. You're a good whisperer. You pride yourself on this fact.

"Mika and Hotaru are actually together right now. Ichigo is here, with her dad. But Mikan couldn't bear to be without Hotaru, so they brought her to where she was, and Hotaru made a miraculous recovery. Soon the entire family is coming back, as soon as they expand the aquarium, because they need more room."

"It's _Mikan_." You're glad you sound normal. You hope he doesn't see your tears and think that they're sad.

"Right. _Mikan._ " He reaches for your hand, holds it up, links your guys' pinkies together. "There's a picture of _Mikan_ and Hotaru touching hands like this."

"Everything is so precious. Life. Friendship."

"Love," Tsukishima says. Your pinkies are still linked.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAT: the four musketeers ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ**   
_Everyone is online!_

**Yamada Serina:** _So how'd it go????_

 **Me:** _It was super fun._

 **Me:** _I think I spent all my energy loving the fish._

 **Me:** _I was dead by the time we were on the subway home. I couldn't even speak._

 **Narumi Anju:** _I can't believe you've been telling me there's nothing between you two, and yet you went on a date. With. Tsukishima._

 **Narumi Anju:** _I told you, I called it first._

 **Misaki Andou:** _You're dating Tsukishima Kei? You went on a date with him?_

 **Me:** _No. We just hung out at the aquarium. Narumi's being an idiot._

 **Andou Misaki:** _What's new._

 **Yamada Serina:** _Tsukishima likes you though. I'm 120% positive about this._

 **Yamada Serina:** _Just tell it to us straight. Do you like him back?_

 **Me:** _I seriously don't think he likes me!_ _What if he just wanted to hangout. You were busy with Yamaguchi, anyways._

 **Narumi Anju:** _Did he buy your ticket?_

 **Me:** _I bought both of ours._

 **Andou Misaki:** _Lol_

 **Narumi Anju:** _......_

 **Andou Misaki:** _For what it's worth I_ _don't think he likes her either._

 **Yamada Serina:** _You all are so hopelessly dumb._

 **Yamada Serina:** _Okay, but disregard that. What I want to know is do you like him?_

 **Yamada Serina:** _(NAME)!_

 **Andou Misaki:** _She disconnected. Her circle is offline._

 **Narumi Anju:** _She ran away. Heh!_

* * *

It's a day after you went to the aquarium with Tsukishima. Sunday. And the last time you checked, one hour ago, you had a temperature of 100 degrees.

"Only you," Serina gripes in your bedroom. "Only you could get a fever from happiness!"

Your head is throbbing right now. And your vision is slightly blurry.

"I was really, really, really happy. And... emotional. And... everywhere." You snuffle. "I didn't plan on this. Pass me the thermometer?" She wordlessly hands over the device, which you place under your tongue. _101.2._ "Could be worse," you sigh. Are there worms in your head dancing right now? Are those worms on your... no, those are your fingers.

"You're unbelievable."

"Hehe."

"He likes you."

You groan. Thinking about it makes your head hurt even more. Now you feel like there's a storm of horses up there, kicking away at a hollow floor. _What about my brain?_ you think in horror. _Do I not have a brain? Is that why their kicking makes hollow sounds?_

"-talking about Tsukishima," Serina is saying. "I'm talking about Misaki."

A long time passes before you realize you're supposed to respond. You're having trouble focusing on what's in front of you and the colors flashing across your ceiling.

"Misaki," you breathe. "Is my friend. We've been friends since we were 8--"

"Oh, honey," she suddenly swarms in you field of vision, blocking your view of the ceiling. She sounds sympathetic but also like she is going to cry. "You keep bringing up the past. And I know just as well as you how comfortable it is to stay in one place. But we need to move forward, (Name). Time flows. Things change. Our friendship is strong enough to accommodate these changes. You're afraid of change. You're stubborn. You keep clutching to our little group. But you can't, because we're not 8 anymore." Her voice sounds far away.

"'M not," you protest. You squeeze your eyes shut. "I made friends with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima."

"Yeah, because you had no other choice to. I dragged them into your personal space. To everyone else, you're friendly, but never make friends. You always go home right after school. And you're unhappy. I always feel you shrouded by a deep sadness."

This shocks you even in your fevered state.

"I tried to hide it from you," you whisper.

"I know." She whispers back. "And you were almost successful, except I am your best friend."

"I don't know why. Sadness... feeling numb... Recently it's better. Sleep is easy. But... I'm still... "

You feel like you're floating, now. Are your eyes still closed? If they are, how come you can see everything so clearly? Your ceiling. Serina's concerned face. Your hard heart, unwilling to grow. You, alone. Serina makes friends so easily, everywhere she goes, and somehow manages to keep all her friendships alive and blooming like flowers. Narumi has both girls and boys chattering around him: about games, about movies, about soccer. Misaki has his fan club and his sports and in your mind, you see him running on the track with his most respected senpais. You cheer him on. 

They are all so busy, but always, always. They always turn back for you. They never forget about you. They never forgot. As long as they still remember you -- still reach out a hand, still tease you for being so slow, still urge you to hurry up -- things don't need to change. You like the four of you. The times that you're alone don't matter.

 _But we're not 8 anymore,_ Serina's voice wades into your consciousness. _Things change. Our friendship is strong. You can't keep it to the four of us for the rest of your life._

You think about how Yamaguchi greets you at lunch with his freckled smile. You feel Tsukishima's pinky locked against yours. You think about Mikan and Hotaru and Ichigo the beluga whales.

 _Okay,_ you think. _I understand._ Then darkness engulfs you.

You wake up in a very white room, to the sound of fidgeting, the smell of chocolate, and the feeling of your left hand going numb. That fidgeting is familiar. "Misaki," you say before you open your eyes. When you do, you see your best friends surrounding you.

"I thought you were dying!" Narumi bursts out.

"That was so scary for me," Serina sobs. "I called the police. I had to call the police, and they made me check your pulse and everything, because you suddenly just rolled your eyes and then stopped responding. Your eyes were WHITE, (Name). I thought you had a heart attack."

"You said my name," Misaki says, eyes boring into yours.

"I heard your fidgeting," you tell him, and he laughs, but it sounds like he's choking. "Where am I? What's the chocolate smell?"

"The hospital. And here." Narumi hands you a takeout box where there's a thick slice of chocolate strawberry cake, and a fork.

"Woah!" You're starving, come to think of it. You dig in. "Why, where, what's the occasion?"

"I was on a _date_ when I heard that you were _in the emergency room_ and possibly _dying_ \--"

"So you bought cake?" you ask, confused.

"No," Serina sniffles. "He ran over and when I told him they said you were fine he went back and got a slice of cake for when you woke up."

"Thanks, Narumi." You smile gratefully. "And thanks, Serina. Sorry to have scared all of you."

"Damn straight I was scared!" Narumi says. "You looked like a ghost!"

"Guys," Misaki says. "I want to talk to (Name) alone."

Serina makes pointed eye contact with you before dragging Narumi out of the room. Surprisingly, he's obedient. When the door closes, Misaki turns to you.

"Want cake?" you offer the box to him, but he shakes his head.

"(Name), I feel like if I don't say it now, I'll be too late. Even though this might turn out awful. In fact, I'm pretty sure it will. 99% sure. But you just make me want to bet on that one percent.

"I know you hate change, and I know that for you, the four of our's relationship has not changed since when we were 8. But I need to tell you that for me, it has changed. I like you. I like you not as a friend, but as a man.

"You think that we're the same as back then. But you've changed so much, (Name). The most out of all of us. You kept moving forward unrelentingly, into the fog, and you couldn't hear me shouting after you. So I had to change as well. I had to shine really bright so my light would cut through the fog and I could find you.

"You know what's funny? I've liked you, in this way, since we were 10. I told myself I would confess when you're no longer taller than me. Now that I tower over you, I have no more excuses." He finally, finally breaks eye contact with you. You're frozen. You wonder if your heart is still beating. You hear Serina's words: _Our friendship is strong enough to accommodate these changes._ You think: Don't be afraid. Misaki is still Misaki is still Misaki.

"Do you understand me?" MIsaki asks, and his voice suddenly is low and quiet and apprehensive.

"I... I--" 

"Don't say anything," he says. "Just think it over. Try to understand me. I'm going to go now, okay? I'll see you in school."

You nod mutely. The door shuts, and reopens in less than a second.

"What was that all about? I swear to god, did he confess?" Serina.

"He must've confessed, look at her tense face. Feel this ATMOSPHERE. Oh my god, he confessed, finally, that freak." Narumi.

"What do you mean finally? Since when have you known? He never told me anything?"

"He knew you'd tell her. I'VE known since two years. Maybe three."

"What!? He seriously has very good self restraint."

"Ohoho, it's even better than you think, he's liked her since we were 10."

"No way, he dated our senpai in the last year of middle school."

"Well, it's not like our (Name) was very observant or reciprocative of his feelings," Narumi stops. "You're really pale, (Name)."

"I..." you don't know what to say. "Don't know what to do."

Serina and Narumi exchange a look.

"Take it easy," Serina finally says, coming around to put an arm over your shoulder. "You have us."


	9. Chapter 9

If a label had to be put, if a name had to be given to your nocturnal miseries, you know the word most people would choose is "depression".

Truthfully, you don't think that's it. You don't feel sad most of the time. When you're around people, you feel happy. When you're occupied, with studying for a test, or distracted, with reading a manga, you function normally. It's only when your mind races to fill its crevices, and comes up short, that you begin to spiral. In addition, you don't suffer everyday. Rather, the clouds over your head move in for periods: you might suffer from thinking about deficiencies for one month, but then the next month you might be mostly at peace. They come and go in a pattern you can't predict.

Here's the word you would use for yourself: "fragile". You know that you are mentally a little more fragile than others. 

The first time you entered a "fragile" period was when you were in the second year of middle school. Suddenly normal things were very difficult to do: you'd pick up a jar and be unable to open it, you'd come out of your room for chopsticks and forget why you were standing in the kitchen, you couldn't wake up in the morning and was always, always late. When Serina, Narumi and Misaki intervened you dismissed their reactions, when your parents brought up the change in you you reacted violently. Nobody brought it up to you again, but you felt their concerned looks and shared glances.

Misaki had said this: _You kept moving into the fog. I had to become a bright enough to see through the fog._ If you think about it, that's the perfect way to put it. You felt like everyday was just a march through fog, in which it stole things from you -- your memory, your perspective, your friends. That year was when Misaki started to train with the track and field team, and began playing soccer, and drank gallons and gallons of milk to grow tall. But you didn't see it that way. You saw it as Misaki growing apart from you, beginning to make new friends, trying to become different from the past. The thought of Misaki moving on without you slapped you out of your funk.

In a way, Misaki was the one to save you, that time. And Misaki has continued to look out for you ever since: dragging you to all his track meets and soccer games, taking you out to your favorite places over the weekends, being a sturdy and reliable reality check.

But could you imagine dating him? The immediate reaction is no. You genuinely see him as family. His successes are your successes, and his losses devastate you. _Be honest,_ Narumi had said. _He deserves your honesty,_ Serina had said. But your honesty might disappoint him, might disappoint your right hand man, the boy you love like a brother.

It's Wednesday. You were discharged from the hospital yesterday. And now you're getting ready for school, where you've decided to meet Misaki before class. You don't drag your feet, however much you want to, because your best friend is waiting for you.

He's sitting on a bench, legs stretched out, posture slumped, pensive, when he sees you. You toss him a pineapple bun as he stands up. He catches it, grins. "Want to take a walk?"

"Okay."

"You're my best friend," you begin. You match his strides. 

"Yeah."

"You're my family," you say.

He sighs resignedly: "Yeah..."

"I can't imagine being by your side.. in the way you want. But, I can't imagine not being by your side, either. I'll be with you forever. Even when you want to get rid of me, I'm going to be secretly looking over you, clinging onto you. Because you're one of my most important people. Even closer to me than my blood."

This time when Misaki sighs, it's exasperated and fond. "Who's going to be looking over who?" He's not upset. You think, _I can gauge your mood by the inflection of your sighs,_ and it makes you happy. He speaks again: "Honestly, I'm relieved. I thought when I confessed, I would be getting rid of a great burden, but honestly, it just added to the load." He stretches. You run behind him and beat a drum pattern on where his angel wings would be.

"Maybe because I know, deep down, that we wouldn't be right together," he continues. "Or because it would be forced. Or because you wouldn't be happy, or I wouldn't be happy."

"With some people, their romantic relationship grows out from their friendship. Like strawberry runners. But our friendship isn't a strawberry. Our friendship is a tree."

"Yeah," Misaki agrees. "Yeah. I'm a little sad, though."

You drop your arms and return to your position on his right. "Do I say sorry?"

"You impertinent girl," he flicks your forehead. "I'm glad you didn't. Because then I would have to say it's ok, and I don' t think I want to say that. My feelings are hurt. 6 years worth of feelings."

"Do I have to stay away from you?" your heart thuds. Anything but this. Anything but this.

"Hmmm," he thinks. Your heart drops. "Hah! Got you. You look like you saw a ghost."

"You're awful."

"I think that at first it was real. I really liked you. As time went on it was just the idea of being with you, being with someone who I knew completely and who completely knew me. But still, for 6 years! That's more than half a decade. So instead of staying away from you, you have to do this one thing for me."

"Okay," you agree immediately.

"You haven't even heard what it is yet. I could be asking you to sell your organs to the black market."

"Anything for you."

"You would give you liver to me?"

"Duh." You pull out your phone. "We can schedule the doctor's appointment now..."

Misaki laughs. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard. "No, I need you to do something else. Narumi blabbed to the entire team that I confessed to you, and I don't want to lose face. So I need you to pretend as if you accepted and that we were going out. We can call it off in a like a week. You can tell Serina about this, but not Narumi. He needs to believe it. Actually, it's not just about my pride. Narumi was taking bets."

"What!? What were the odds?"

"Very not in my favor," Misaki is pensive. Suddenly he grins. "So, (Name), you're going to make me rich."

* * *

Your biggest fear was that Misaki confessing would bring the two of you apart. Instead, it's done the opposite -- you two are closer than ever. Surprisingly, everyone buys into the dating story. Even Narumi, who reluctantly hands over a wad of bills. " _Thank_ you, Narumi," Misaki grins. Narumi sulks.

You hold out your hand to Misaki. "Half."

He looks at you, and you pout. "Stingy."

Serina says this: "People are just buying your "relationship" because you both verified it for real. It's weird though. The two of you don't do anything remotely couple-y, the two of you don't even hold hands, but everyone still is so into the story."

"We're showing them the power of ultimate friendship," you say. "Trumps love. And I could never hold hands with him. He's got cooties."

"Who's got cooties," Misaki growls behind you. You scream and he pulls your hair. "It's greasy!"

"It was hot today!"

"You're disgusting, (Name)!"

"You're ugly!"

"You're fat!"

"You wish I was, baby!"

Serina shakes her head to herself at the two of you. "I. So. Don't. Understand. Why people think they're dating."

One thing you can't help noticing is that you've grown very distant with Tsukishima, all over the course of the few days that have passed since you went to the aquarium. He's still teasing, but now his barbs almost hurt, and he's grown cold. On Friday, you think you've got it: "He must be thinking that I lied to him! Because I said I would never date Misaki!"

So you get to school early that morning too, to wait for him in the classroom. _Damn,_ you think ruefully. _I'm going to school really early all the time now, huh._

Tsukishima looks startled when he walks in and you're already in your seat, smiling beatifically at him. "Good morning, Tsukishima."

"Uh... hey."

"I noticed that we've been growing apart recently."

Tsukishima laughs, but it's not very genuine. "I like how you always get to the point."

"Why, thank you. But I'm here to have a discussion with you about that. Because I don't want to lose you, and I feel like I'm losing you." 

"Well, I'm talking to you right now, right?"

"Yeah, but!" You're frustrated. You should've known he wouldn't make this easy for you. "You won't look at me in the eye--"

"--excuse me for being so tall, and I'm doing that right now--"

"--You don't respond to my texts, and when you do you're dry!--"

"--are you really coming at me for not being funny over text?--"

"--We just never talk anymore!"

"Summer Interhigh brackets have been set. The team is working super hard. I only wish I could be as lax as the you who belongs only to the going home club and has so much time that you can go around dating people." Tsukishima says this very nonchalantly.

You grit your teeth. He knows how to rile you. "Well, here's the thing. I'm NOT dating him--"

"--Oh, could've fooled me. Was that not you who told all of us the you two were now dating?--"

"--Narumi blabbed about his confession to the entire soccer team, so he wants to save face, plus Narumi had a betting pool, and he wanted to earn money--"

"--No, it must have been someone else. Guess I need new glasses. My bad--"

"--We're seriously just friends! We don't do anything remotely couple like! We don't even hold hands! In fact, I'm surprised that someone as rational and clear minded and intelligent as you hadn't figured it out!"

"Well, sorry," he shoots back nastily without a second spared. "For not figuring out-- wait. What?"

You turn back to face the front of the room and stick your tongue out the side of your mouth at him.

He clears his throat. From your peripheral vision, you can see a blush spreading across his face. "I overreacted. Sorry."

 _You can do better,_ you think.

"(Name). I'm sorry. forgive me."

_Hmm... a little more..._

"(Name). You're really being annoying."

You ignore him. You concentrate on fighting the smile that's threatening to spread over your face by thinking sober thoughts. 

"I'll take you to lunch."

"Fine," you concede generously.

"Come to our first game." Tsukishima says. "It's in the Sendai City Gymnasium."

"Then you better win."

He smiles. You feel your heart catch. Then just as quickly as it appeared, the sensation goes away. _What was that?_ you wonder. 

"Deal," he says.


	10. Chapter 10

When Karasuno High School is eliminated in the third round of the Miyagi Prefectural Interhigh Qualifier Tournament, you are in the stands. You see Aoba Johsei's last ball go through. You see Hinata and Kageyama on their knees. _Get up,_ you think, _get up,_ but they're frozen. You find Tsukishima, but you can't read his expression. _Oh, Tsukishima,_ you think. Next to you, Serina exhales deeply. 

It's June 3rd now. Tsukishima spends his time in class looking out of the window. When you talk about volleyball, you get the sense that he's denying himself something. It concerns you, and then irritates you. But you don't push. Instead, you marvel over this feeling -- _so this is what it means to want to cheer someone up_. 

You text him one week later--

 **Me:** _Meet me at the subway stop at 8 am on Saturday!!_ (●´ω｀●)

He doesn't ask why. Maybe he wants to be distracted. Instead, he responds: 

**Tsukishima Kei:** _Can you even get up that early?_

 **Me:** _Okay, never mind, forget I said anything. You totally don't have to go._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _No I want to_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** ...

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _You baited me._

 **Me:** _I can't believe you took the bait!_

Sendai City Museum is a familiar structure to you. You often spend time here, finding solace in history that is so relevant, yet so removed from you. The thick panels of glass separating you and artifacts dating back to almost a thousand years that though these documents, these garments, were written and worn by your ancestors, you cannot go back to the past. It is up to you to keep their blood alive now. Your ancestors have done their job and now rely on you to write your own manifestos, wear your own clothes, leave something behind for your collective bloodline a thousand years from now.

"We're here!" you cheer when the building comes into view. 

"Woah," Tsukishima raises his eyebrows. "I haven't been here in so long."

"Well, today is gonna make you want to come back tomorrow! And the day after! And on and on! They have lots of interesting ongoing exhibits right now. One about cats. And maps!"

"Cats, huh," he says. His finger twitch and you know he's thinking about volleyball. 

"C'mon, Tsukishima!"

He insists on paying for your tickets this time, and you cheerfully allow him. After strolling around for a few minutes, the two of you stop and spend a long time poring over Toyotomi Hideyoshi's battle gear. 

"It's so weird, how he was so alive 600 years ago, and now all that's left of his presence is this armor," Tsukishima muses.

"Really puts things into perspective, huh? If such a powerful daimyo like him leaves this kind of legacy, think about what ordinary people like me will leave behind," you wonder.

"And it's pretty amazing how much things have changed. This is like a checkpoint to compare our present with. From feudal governments to having a PM."

"In the same way, it's amazing how things have not changed. Lots of daimyo families still have the same kind of influence." 

"'Living history'." 

"Exactly!"

You planned this trip to cheer Tsukishima up, but you're enjoying yourself to the point where you almost forget the original intention of this trip. You peek over at Tsukishima, who looks pretty passive. "Let's learn about cats," you say, hastily dragging him over to the specially marked exhibit.

"This exhibition showcases the 'cat boom' in the Edo and Meiji periods by presenting ukiyo-e prints by UTAGAWA Kuniyoshi and illustrated books, as well as a range of beckoning cat figurines from different parts of Japan. Having been on tour to the Tokai, Kinki and other regions, the collection is exhibited in Sendai for the first time in eastern Japan," you read out loud. After browsing the panels: "I have mixed feelings about these cats."

"Me too," he agrees. "Some of these cats look normal, even cute, but..."

"The other ones just look kind of scary. Like that one cat in a kimono. Have you seen A Whisker Away?"

His eyes widen. "I was just thinking about it. That big fat cat..."

"Creepy."

"Pretty awful," he nods. "The colors are nice, though."

"True. I like this shade of grey. I'm going to paint my nails in this color over break."

"Grey? Not pastel?" Tsukishima laughs as the two of you wander out of the exhibit. "You're one of a kind! I've never seen anyone paint their nails grey before."

"It sounds weird, but it will look cute," you retort. "Probably."

"What else do you have planned for after first term ends?"

"Not leaving the house, watching American shows, reading manga. What about you?"

"Karasuno has been invited to a training camp in Tokyo."

"Ooh," you say. "Sounds fun. Very fancy."

"The King and the shrimp are obviously losing their minds over it. And Tanaka and Nishinoya. Senpai," he adds as an after thought. "That's the bald one and the one with a blonde strip in his hair."

"What about you, Tsukishima?"

"Me?"

"Are you excited?"

"I mean, volleyball is just a club to me, it's just something I do..." He scratches the back of his head and smiles, a fake one you can immediately see through. "I'm not talented or invested in it enough to get all shaken over something as simple as a training camp. Or a win. Or a loss."

You have mixed feelings about this. He doesn't know what it looks like on the outside, you think. He doesn't know what it feels like to not have anything at all, you remind yourself. Still, you can't help feeling a little bit angry. "You're talented, Tsukishima," you tell him. "First, you've been blessed with the height. And second, your mindset. You can see what's on the court, what has to be done, in black and white, without getting emotional. Not getting hot headed over the little things is not only a blessing, but also not an indication that volleyball means nothing to you."

Somehow, you've ticked Tsukishima off. He doubles down: "I'm pretty sure I know best what volleyball means to _me_ ," he says.

"I'm sure you do! Or at least think you do! And I'm not saying that I know you well, or even that you really like volleyball, or anything!" Damn it! You're getting confused by what you're saying. "All I'm saying is that it feels like to an _outsider_ that you keep making excuses not to like volleyball, or give it your all! It feels like you're embarrassed? Or something along those lines."

He's quiet. You bite your tongue. _Today was supposed to cheer him up! (Name), you're so stupid! Do you have any goddamn brain cells! Do you!_ Then he sighs. "Let's go outside," he says.

"O- okay."

The two of you walk around in the bright sunshine. "My brother played volleyball for Karasuno," he says.

You have to squint to see him. You can't distinguish between where the sunlight starts and where the lines of his hair end.

"He was super invested. Like Hinata and those guys were. Before high school, he was the ace, and kinda famous in our neighborhood. I got into volleyball because of him. Then, he went to Karasuno. He told me he was the ace too.

"But then I went to his last game. Even as a third year, he wasn't even a starting member. He was on the stands, cheering. The ace I had known throughout my life wasn't even the benchwarmer. Then I realized no matter how good you are, there will be a million people who are better. So what's the point?

"It's probably my own goddamn fault for putting that pressure on his shoulders, but he was just so devastated afterwards. And I just began to feel like it's not worth it. It's not worth it to cry so many tears for... this.

"So it's not like I don't want to love volleyball. I just... can't see the logic in doing so blindly, I guess."

Unspoken, his eyes are saying: There's a wall in my heart that I can't break down right now. That I don't really want to break down, because I'm afraid.

"I think," you begin. You ask him for permission to continue and he nods, encouraging you. "I think you can't say whether it's worth it or not, because you're not your brother. Your brother must have had important moments that made volleyball so precious to him, and that's why there were tears. But I understand everything you said. And I am sorry for bringing it up, and fighting with you. I only hope that one day you can have your own important moments and realize why you cherish volleyball."

"I don't _cherish_ volleyball," he says, but his words are softer.

"Then why do you continue to play?" you ask. He has no answer.

* * *

"Wooooah," you gasp, eyes as large as saucers. "Meat!"

"Yes, meat," Tsukishima says, amused. "I said I would take you out to lunch." He puts more strips of meat onto the grill. You take the tongs and flip over the pieces of meat periodically.

"I didn't know it would be this fancy... I was expecting onigiri!"

"Please. Your standards are on the floor."

"Not anymore," you grin. "Now that I know your idea of an apology lunch is bbq."

"Yes, I tend to do that, raise standards, ruin the curve, etc. It's pretty damn tiring... but someone has to do the job."

"Do you hear yourself," you wave the tongs in the air. "Someone is sounding pretty full of himself! Stuff your mouth with meat, not muck." You take your chopsticks and place a strip of pork onto his bowl of rice. Then you take a strip of pork and put it onto your rice. "Mmmmmm. Yum," you groan.

Tsukishima smirks.

You point your chopsticks at him. "Don't say a word. This is called properly appreciating food."

"How do you know what I was going to say?"

You raise an eyebrow. Or at least try to. Both eyebrows go up. "Damn."

He lifts his eyebrow perfectly. 

"Jerk."

"Jerk who can do this," and he raises his eyebrow again. 

"Stop!" You're laughing. He's laughing too. It's so easy for you to make him laugh, and so easy for him to make you laugh, you think. You like it when he laughs this way: uninhibited, confident, eyes staring into yours. Just like that, you're suddenly self conscious. You stuff more rice into your face and chew.

"Favorite quote," he says.

Damn, has he noticed your awkwardness? "Umm... _It is better to drink of deep grief than to taste shallow pleasures._ You?"

"Wow, deep. Mine is just _I'm better than you._ "

You can't help it -- you laugh again. "What's with that? Really?" you giggle. "That is very you though. Okay, I like it. Favorite... umm... fruit."

Tsukishima shakes his head. "You really could've gone with anything and you... forget it. Probably strawberries. And bananas. I like strawberries in cake and with bananas in smoothies, and just on their own both strawberries and bananas are the best tasting."

"I would have to disagree. I say apples. Crisp, shiny, straight from the market apples. They have to be crisp though. And my close second is peach. But the peach has to be kind of crisp too. Like barely ripe kind of crisp."

"Hmm. Point taken. Crispiness is important. If you were stuck on an island what 3 things would you bring?"

"Whaaaat, I thought we were playing the favorites game! Or I wouldn't have picked that question. But. A flashlight, a bunch of nonperishable snacks, and a sleeping bag."

"I say tent, sleeping bag, and a box of matches."

"Argh! We almost had a 3/3 consistency. What do you want to do when you grow up?"

"We had 1/3 things in common. Also will you kill me if I said no idea? Because no idea."

"Flashlight and matches are basically the same thing! C'mon! And aww, nah. Honestly me too. It's so frustrating sometimes. I feel like I have no direction and am just marching aimlessly."

"They're so not, and you know it. I just think about the immediate next thing I can do. If I don't know what I want to do 10 years from now, I at least know what I should be doing 10 minutes from now, which is calc homework. I try taking things like that."

"They so are. That is very admirable of you. I would steal that idea from you, but I'm too good at procrastinating. I also can't think of another question, so I forfeit this turn. You go."

"Okay. Let's see... what you look for in a significant other."

You pretend to think. In reality, your mind is going a million miles an hour. No, a trillion. No, a gabazillion.

_Is he making a move?_

_No, it's a common icebreaker question._

_But not between a guy and a girl... and he's a guy and I'm a girl!_

_Yeah, and you're super ugly. Get over yourself. He's just asking a simple question. He's never made any moves on you._

_But he held my pinky at the aquarium that_ _time!_

_You were crying! He was probably freaking out!_

_And he was jealous of Misaki!_

_Jealous, my ass! He thought you were a hypocrite and a liar because you said you would never date your childhood friends! He hates that shit._

_You're right,_ you think. _It's a harmless question_. A teeny tiny part of you is disappointed. But you answer honestly: "Comfort. Stability. Loyalty. Kindness. That old spiel." You're almost afraid to ask, but it's like he's daring you. You feel his gaze -- challenging. You lift your head and meet his eyes, and you're rewarded with respect. And... relief? "You?"

"Not much. Someone who I'm comfortable with," Tsukishima Kei stretches his long body, his jeans accidentally brushing against your bare calf. "Someone who makes me laugh."


	11. Chapter 11

**Tsukishima Kei:** _Favorite song?_

 **Me:** _Safe & Sound... I used to be a diehard Swiftie. Wbu?_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _...Lemon Boy. But I like all of Cavetown's songs._

 **Me:** _Hahaha! That's a Yamaguchi song!!_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Shut up._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _How have you been?_

 **Me:** _Haven't left the house since school ended up. Tippity top form._

 **Me:** _How is training camp?_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _We're busy... with penalties. We've lost almost every match so far._

 **Me:** _Super!! Glad to hear you are having a fantastic time! I can FEEL your enthusiasm and fighting spirit through this screen._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Hey now. Being sarcastic is my job._

* * *

 **Me:** _Favorite color? Mine's yellow._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Did you really graduate from elementary school? These questions... Green._

 **Me:** _Haha. Super funny._ _You still had an answer prepared though so guess I'm not the only child!_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _I only answered to make you feel a little less out of place, dork._

 **Me:** _Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Still haven't left the house?_

 **Me:** _Nope. Living super well though. I have been to 6 cafes without ever leaving my bed._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _You know the best places to treat me then when we go back._

 **Me:** _Nice try! We'll see~_

* * *

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Favorite meal._

 **Me:** _To make or to eat?_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Let's go crazy... Both._

 **Me:** _Gasp! Tsukishima, living on the edge?? Has the heat gotten to your head??? Remember to stay hydrated. Do not want to lose a friend!_

 **Me:** _To make: salad. To eat: ...agh! I can't choose! If I had to, I would choose between... no! I can't! I refuse! There's so many delicious categories of food, and so many yummy dishes within those categories..._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _This kind of enthusiastic response I expected. The salad part surprises me._

 **Me:** _It's the only thing I know how to make._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _I thought you were going to say scrambled eggs or something._

 **Me:** _I don't even know how to boil an egg._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Pfft._

 **Me:** _I bet you don't either._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Actually... favorite to eat: pork cutlet sandwich. Favorite to make: boiled. Egg._

* * *

 **Me:** _Favorite book._

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _The Little Prince._

 **Me:** _What!_

 **Me:** _No way!!_

 **Me:** _Me too!!!_

 **Tsukishima Kei:** _Cute._

* * *

**CHAT: the four musketeers ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ**   
_Everyone is online!_

**Me:** _What does it mean when a guy uses the word "cute"?_

 **Narumi Anju:** _Gross, (Name). You have to let me know 5 days in advance when you're going to start acting like an actual girl. Or an actual human._

 **Andou Misaki:** _Double gross, (Name). Don't get all mushy on me._

 **Me:** _WHAT does actual human mean? Misaki, get ready for next time we meet. I'll show you what mush is._

 **Andou Misaki:** _What does THAT mean?_

 **Yamada Serina:** _Misaki, i_ _t means that she's going to crack your brain open and show you what's inside. (Name), it means that you haven't left your house in over a week._

 **Me:** _!!! How'd you know!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _I didn't... LOL. ;)_

 **Narumi Anju:** _I bet you smell._

 **Andou Misaki:** _I bet you've spent your entire allowance ordering out and clogging up the world with plastic shit and delivery bike fumes._

 **Yamada Serina:** _I bet you haven't changed out of your pajamas. I bet you stay in bed the entire day with the AC on except for when you have to pick up your food. I bet your room's a complete mess. A pigsty._

 **Me:** ಠ_ಠ _Thanks, everyone. Love you too._

 **Narumi Anju:** _So who told you that you were cute?_

* * *

 **Yamada Serina:** _So who told you that you were cute?_

 **Me:** ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ

 **Yamada Serina:** _Are we not best friends or what? And what are best friends for if not this?_

 **Me:** _Fine. But this stays between us!!_

 **Me:** _< Screenshot 2XXX-07-21 at 1:48:36 PM>_

 **Yamada Serina:** _You're flirting with him!_

 **Me:** _No I'm not!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _And HE'S flirting with you!_

 **Me:** _He's NOT!_

 **Me:**... _Is he?_

 **Yamada Serina:** _Do you want him to be?_

 **Me:** _Serina!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _Okay, okay. Since I'm so generous I'll tell it to you like it is: those texts were purely friendly, if there's no context._

 **Me:** Thank _you._

 **Yamada Serina:** _B_ _ut THERE IS CONTEXT! Yamaguchi said he hates texting and is very antisocial, but he does not act that way with you at all. You guys have been out and about in this great city 2 times already, and you text an awful lot._

 **Me:** _So? What does that mean?_

 **Yamada Serina:** _..._

 **Me:** _What???_

 **Yamada Serina:** _You're stupid! And I'm enabling your stupidity!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _No, I'm not saying anything anymore._

 **Me:** _Serinaaaaaaa!!!!!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _You just take your stupid head and THINK about it. THINK!_


	12. Chapter 12

"The National Spring High School Volleyball Tournament," you say. It's so fun to say. In your head, you enunciate every syllable. You look at the sheet announcing the bracket, and then look at the front of you to Hinata and Kageyama, who are wrestling (if you can even call it that). You turn to Yachi. " _They_ are going to the National Spring High School Volleyball Tournament."

Yachi giggles. "I know it's hard to tell, but these boys are actually a lot less pig headed once they step on a court."

"I beg to differ. They actually become more pig headed," Tsukishima cuts in. "It's disgusting."

"Hey!" Hinata swivels his head. "I heard that, Tsukishima!"

"I meant for you to," he replies coolly. Kageyama scowls and opens his mouth: "You--"

Before he can say anything, Serina and Yamaguchi arrive at your lunch spot, hand in hand. Trailing them are Narumi and Misaki, arguing with their heads over a game console again. Narumi lifts his head and sees Kageyama, and immediately runs up to him. You stifle a laugh. Narumi has declared Kageyama to be his role model. _"I'm going to revise my personality to match his," he'd told you seriously._

_"Why?" you asked, genuinely curious._

_"Trust me. Those types of guys get_ all _the girls."_

Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at you before returning Misaki's greeting. You turn to Yachi. "Tell me more about this National Spring High School Volleyball Tournament," you dial back your grin.

"Ignore her. She just really likes saying the name," Misaki offers up besides you. You throw a punch in the area of his general vicinity (behind you) and are satisfied when your fist makes connection with flesh. "Hey! You know it's the truth!"

"Okay, so maybe I do. It's so official and pretentious and funny sounding and I like speaking the capitals," you admit. "But also I want to know about it."

"Well basically, we have to win 2 matches to become one of the top 8 schools who advance to the qualifying round in October. And we've improved so much, I'm confident in our skills, but this is our- I mean the third years'- last chance- my last year with Kiyoko senpai- I-" Yachi's eyes fill and she jumps up. "Sorry sorry! I have to, um, use the euphemism!"

"You scared her away," Misaki's voice comes up from behind you again. You refuse to take the bait. 

"Yeah, she tends to do that," Tsukishima's voice now. The two of them exchange a laugh and a fist bump. 

"I'm rising above the two of you," you turn to tell them fake tightly. Secretly, you're happy to see them get along. There had been tension last month, which you'd written down as Misaki's unwillingness to accept new members of their close knit quartet, but it seemed like everyone was moving past that. "Also, at least I didn't hit my growth spurt until the second year of middle school. Also, at least I don't have to wear glasses and have the personality of a sour grape."

"Wow, she got us," Tsukishima says to Misaki. 

"Ooh, ooh," Misaki taunts. You roll your eyes and turn back. Snatches of their exchange float back up to you: "Bro, were you always this tall?"

"Yeah. I was the class freak." To your left, Hinata, Narumi and Kageyama are all hunched over the console, trying to beat this game. You hear repeatedly this phrase: "Hinata, boke!"

"Now all the chicks dig it though," Misaki says, bringing you back to their conversation. Before Tsukishima can respond, Serina crawls over and whacks the back of Misaki's head with a book. "OW!"

"Don't say _chicks,_ " Serina says. "It's demeaning."

"Really?" Yamaguchi asks. "How so?"

"Well, I listened to a lecture about ecofeminism a while ago. Simply put, society is dominated by males. Thanks to them, the earth and her lands and animals is ravaged, and females are taken advantage of. That's how they're inherently connected. It's evident in the most subtle ways, like language, for instance. The earth is described as 'fertile', and even portrayed as a female (think Mother Earth) and women are portrayed as animals -- 'chicks,'" she turns to glare at Misaki, "'vixens', all that stuff."

"That's why she became vegetarian, last year," you tell the three boys.

Misaki scratches his head. "I don't remember."

"That lecture was actually really life changing. Well, as life changing as in the first decision I ever made by myself and for myself." Serina thinks.

"It seems kind of broad to me, though," Yamaguchi ponders out loud. "It writes off a lot of things. I mean, the way you described it made it seem like it was men vs. women/earth. What about the differences in power between men of color and white men, and women of color and white women?"

"And there are not only 2 genders. It seems kind of binary to me." Misaki adds.

"Yeah!" Serina says, eyes flashing. "That was one of the limitations. I was thinking, what if there was a word to describe all oppressed people versus those in power or have privilege..." her voice fades into the background. Arranging your school bag, you lean backwards and lay on your back, your head on top of your books. "You were SOOOO CLOSE!" you hear Hinata scream, and then Narumi: "My turn, I'm going to get it this time if it kills me..."

When you feel somebody lie down next to you, you don't need to open your eyes to tell it's Tsukishima. 

"You've been quiet," he says.

Really? you think. You replay the last few minutes. Hmm, maybe. But... "It's cuz I'm happy." You turn your head to look at him. "By the way, this pose is called Savasana. Corpse pose."

"I didn't know you did yoga."

"I don't."

For some reason, both of you find this super funny. After your giggles die down, he speaks again. "You're a contradiction."

"Amen," you say, and the two of you start laughing again. "You need to stop making me laugh."

"Hah, I could say the same." He pauses. "You're a bunch of contradictions."

"I know," you sigh. "But right now, I'm just really happy. It's peaceful. I didn't even notice that I was being quiet."

"I know," he says. "Sometimes you're happy quiet. And your face is round and shiny, and that shit."

You start laughing. "That's _oil_ , you dumbass," you splutter. He starts laughing too. "No, you don't get to laugh, you jerk."

"Then, sometimes you're happy loud. And insufferable. And you just have the biggest, cockiest grin, like you're bulletproof. It's so annoying. You express yourself in shouting and screaming and jumping and hugging and squeezing. In general, you just exude happiness. It's like... pollution."

You're kind of touched by the way he sees you, the way he remembers you, the way he's sharing those ways with you right now. It makes you feel very tender and soft towards him right now. In his glasses, the blue of the sky is reflected, but the golden eyes behind the lenses are steady and grounded. "I bet you secretly love it." And then he pulls a shit eating grin. _Ah, now he's going to say something snarky._

"Oh, I wouldn't bet on that. And then, sometimes, you're thoughtful quiet. And your face is super active, and full."

"What does active mean?"

"It means everyone can read your emotions. You make faces when you think. Especially when we're in math class. And that day at the museum."

"Oh god. I hope I looked cute, at least."

"I wouldn't bet on that either." You stick your tongue at him. "Mature. Okay. And then, sometimes..." how does he know all this stuff? Has he been looking at you more than you thought? Paying attention? The thought of someone paying special attention to you makes your heart trip and shrink and expand at the same time. No, not just the thought of someone, the thought of _Tsukishima Kei_ paying attention to you. "Sometimes you're sad loud."

"Like that day in the nurse's office," you muse. It's funny, you don't feel vulnerable talking about that episode with Tsukishima. Maybe because you've been in a better place the past few weeks, maybe because he would see through your act, mostly because you feel like he sees you. _Tsukishima Kei sees me_. The thought of Tsukishima seeing you for the entirety of what you are, or at least trying his best to, makes you feel shivery all over again.

"Yeah," he says. "But also I mean like. When you're sad, and you don't want people to know, and you just pretend to be cheerful and loud."

"Oh," you say. "Is it that obvious?"

"I don't know," he says. "You confuse me. There's so many sides to you. There's sad quiet. Then there's mesmerized, like when you're looking at the sky. Then there's _I'm calculating my grade point average._ Then there's _I don't want to be paid attention to._ Then there's _Please pay attention to me! Look at me! Listen to me!_ _"_

"You're awfully good at this," you remark. "Do you by any chance want to become a psychologist? And if yes, would you take me on as your first client?"

"You couldn't afford my fees," he replies, and the both of you start laughing again. 

Suddenly you're aware of the quiet around you two. Hinata is staring unabashedly at you. You sit up. "Huh? Is there something on my face, or what?" 

"No," Kageyama says, looking just as dumbstruck as Hinata. "We didn't know Tsukishima could laugh." Narumi hides a snicker at this, or at least tries to. 

"Hey!" Yamaguchi retorts. "Just because he's not bursting at the seams with energy with you doesn't mean Tsukki--"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi," Tsukishima growls. You turn to look at him. He glares at Hinata and Kageyama, but the tips of his ears are very red. You hear a suspicious snort from behind you. 

All of a sudden everyone cracks up. "Oh my god, and to think you thought _I_ lived a deprived life a few weeks ago," you burst into another peal of laughter. "They don't-- They didn't-- They never--" 

"Sorry Tsukki," you hear Yamaguchi wheeze, and Serina giggles. Misaki adds: " _This_ is why you didn't have a girlfriend. I thought that it was weird, you being so popular, and so tall, and even smart too."

"I feel bad for whoever he dates," Kageyama manages, leaning back to catch his breath. 

"At least I'll date," Tsukishima teases. "You'll stay single and hung up over volleyball forever."

"Hey, me too!" Hinata says. Tsukishima turns to look at him: "You're not serious, right? That wasn't a compliment."

"But you said hung up over volleyball-"

"Hey," Narumi says suddenly. "Is this why you're popular? I mean, I can see it. The appeal, I mean."

"You're a really good guy, but..." Tsukishima deadpans. You shout with laughter. When's the last time you laughed in a big group like this, you think offhandedly. You should do it more often, it feels good. Out loud, you say: "My stomach hurts."

"Me too," Serina says.

"I'm happy." You reach out to hold her hand.

"Me too," Serina says, and she squeezes twice, just like the two of you used to do before crossing the road.


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAT: the four musketeers ᕙ(`▿´)ᕗ**   
_Everyone is online!_

**Me:** _Happy August 1st! Happy August 1st! Happy August 1st!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _Time for our month summaries and month resolutions!_

 **Narumi Anju:** _Do we seriously have to do this every month..._

 **Andou Misaki:** _I want to get this over with first._

 **Narumi Anju:** _Hey! I wanted to go first!_

 **Andou Misaki:** _My month summary: pretty good. In soccer I scored 6 goals total since the season started. Also, I improved my mile time by 2.04 seconds. Also, I learned how to cook spaghetti bolognese._

 **Narumi Anju:** _You would make a good wife._

 **Yamada Serina:** _Unpopular opinion, but I'm not a fan._

 **Me:** _You're vegetarian._

 **Yamada Serina:** _But even before. I would take a bowl of ramen over pasta every time._

 **Andou Misaki:** _Anyways_ , _back to_ me _. My goal for this month is to continue to do well in sports, and get better grades in school next semester, especially math._

**Me:** _I can tutor you!_

**Narumi Anju:** _No you can't, you're almost as dumb as me. Okay, I'm going next. Month summary: 5 girls confessed to me before the semester ended._

 **Me:** _Let's kill him._

 **Yamada Serina:** _Okay, I'll bring the shovel._

 **Andou Misaki:** _I'll bring the body bag._

 **Narumi Anju:** _You know you love me. My goal this month is to be more like Kageyama... wait, no! I change my goal! I want to be more like Tsukishima!_

 **Yamada Serina:** _But sweetie, he's smart..._

 **Me:** _LOL_

 **Andou Misaki:** _LOL_

 **Yamada Serina:** _This month was gooooooood. My 2 month with Tadashi is coming up._ (✿◠‿◠)

 **Me:** _TADASHI????_

 **Andou Misaki:** _Tadashi?_

 **Narumi Anju:** _You guys are so slow... how have you only just begun calling each other by your first name?_

 **Yamada Serina:** _Yeah, and when was the last relationship you had that lasted over a week?_

 **Me:**!!! _I just realized that we still call you by your surname, Narumi._

 **Andou Misaki:** _Huh, you're right. Why's that..._

 **Narumi Anju:** _It's because I was the newcomer. 8 years ago I was the newcomer in your little group, and 8 years later I still am being ostracized, even in the most subtle ways such as this_

 **Narumi Anju:** _**.** _

**Yamada Serina:** _Yeah, yeah, we love you. My goal this month is to learn how to bake a cake._

**Me:** _? What's the occasion?_

**Yamada Serina:** _Tadashi's birthday is in November!_

**Andou Misaki:** _It's August- never mind, I forgot how she gets._

**Yamada Serina:** _I'll be busy when school starts!_

**Narumi Anju:** _Serina is scary when it comes to organizing... and now our (Name) here is scary when it comes to NOT organizing. Personally, I DO think there is a worser of the 2 sins._

**Me:** _I'm pretty sure that's grammatically incorrect. This month was... meh. It was kind of fun. The highlight was all that online shopping I did over break._

**Andou Misaki:** _When we were coordinating times to hang out you said you were BUSY._

**Yamada Serina:** _Talk about a lesson learned. I am NOT going to let you off easy next time._

**Me:** _Hehe, oops. Also, Serina ghost wrote my resolution for this month. It is: "Attend at least 5 social events." 5!?!?!? That is kind of a lot! School hasn't even begun yet!_

**Narumi Anju:** _That's such a good goal for you... Serina is scary._

**Yamada Serina:** _What's that?_

**Narumi Anju:** _Serina is super smart and talented and amazing._

**Yamada Serina:** _Damn straight._

* * *

"I think this is illegal," you tell Serina. She disregards you as usual, and links arms with you. On her other arm swings a bag from the convenience store, the same one that you're carrying with your free arm. "No, really, this is illegal. Going to school over summer break? Illegal."

"Mmhmm," Serina says in a way that makes you suspect whether she's been listening to you. She leans over and sniffs your hair. "Thank god, you showered. You were still sleeping when I called you so I was a little worried."

"You called me at 2!"

"You are supposed to be up by then, dummy. Besides, I needed help buying and carrying all this stuff."

"Do they know we're coming?"

"Nope! It's going to be a surprise!"

"My social anxiety is kicking in," you tell her urgently. "They don't even know me, they know you, and--"

"We're here!" with that, Serina ducks into the gymnasium, pulling you through the doors. "Good afternoon, everyone!" 

The first thing you see is a volleyball. Literally, it flies towards your face -- and then at the last second, a hand, catching the ball. You follow the ball and raise your gaze to meet a golden one. "Tsukishima!"

"(Name)," he responds. "Am I hallucinating or did you actually leave your house?"

"Not by choice," you grumble. "Oh, I have--"

"Hi, (Name)!" Hinata shouts. You wave, and him and Kageyama wave back.

"Everyone! I brought snacks!" Serina's voice rings out. There is a collective cheer. Serina runs over and drags you by the elbow. "Here, put everything like this: sports drink here in this column, pocky here, bananas here, and then popsicles-- oh thank god, they haven't melted..." As Serina takes over organizing the snack table, a bunch of boys gathered around it, you begin to feel awkward and duck away.

"Thank you," someone says softly to you.

"Oh, uh no prob--" the most beautiful girl you've ever seen is speaking to you. To you! Is she real! How is she real! "--problem, no problem, haha."

Yachi pops up behind the Beautiful Lady. "This is KIyoko senpai! She's the manager of the team! And senpai, this is (Name), she's Serina-chan's best friend!"

"Thank you sincerely," Kiyoko/beautiful lady/soft voice-senpai says to you. "This means a lot to them. It's good for them to have a sort of energy booster before their game, since it's so soon."

"Oh, it's nothing," you stammer. Seriously, she's so pretty. "Wait! I have something for you too!" You pull out the pineapple buns you were saving for yourself and press one each into Beautiful Lady and Yachi's hands.

"Thanks, (Name)!" Yachi chirps. 

"Thank you," Kiyoko-senpai smiles. Then her eyes widen slightly. "Ah..."

You feel some particularly sharp gazes on your back. You turn and see a short, spiky haired boy and a taller boy with a shaved head smiling peculiarly at you. _??? What is this,_ you think. _I saw them at the game I watched._ _Libero, and... wing spiker?_ Then the short boy steps up to you decisively. "Thank you," he says seriously, ripping open a popsicle. "By the way, I am Nishinoya. This is Tanaka. And we both sincerely thank you." 

"Um, I'm (Name), and it's, it's nothing," you say. _Did he seriously finish that popsicle in 2 bites?_ "R-really, it was all Serina's idea--" 

"No," the bald headed guy (Tanaka) says. "Thanks to you, we got to see Kiyoko-senpai's smile. We--" he is cut short by a taller boy with brown hair, who has both the aura and the haircut of a middle aged man. _The captain!_ you think. _Dai- dai..._

"Tanaka?" the captain smiles. You sense that he has a lot of power here. Tanaka shrinks back. "I'm Daichi Sawamura," he continues, reaching over to shake your hand. "Thanks for providing us with snacks today."

You immediately feel at ease with Daichi-san. Nishinoya says, "Tanaka, let's go away, now that we can," and they scamper off. "Nice to meet you, I'm (Name)," you greet him. "Did you eat?"

"Yes, yes," he gestures with his hands, which are holding a banana and a sports drink. "And I also want to thank you for taking care of our first years. I know they're a troublesome bunch."

"No, they're not, um..." 

"Yes, they are," someone chirps up. The newcomer has grey hair, a small mole underneath one of his eyes, and a warm mischievous smile. You immediately take a liking to him as well. "Don't be afraid to say so! In fact, this is less of a volleyball club, and more of a babysitting club, because more than half the work we do consists of reining in those pesty and adorable kids. Ah! I forgot to introduce myself! I'm Sugawara Koushi! Call me Suga!"

"The second years, too," someone else adds. He is also tall, with hair parted on the side. He is flanked on the sides by another shaved head guy, and a blonde.

Suga-san laughs. "Ennoshita, you talk as if you aren't a second year yourself!"

The blonde grins. "It's because his mental and physical age aren't in sync. Ennoshita was 40 ever since he came out of the womb, but his body hasn't come to terms with that."

Daichi nods. "He takes after me, in that way." 

The shaved head guy speaks to you: "This is Ennoshita, this guy here is Kinoshita, and I'm Narita. We're both second years."

You bow. "Nice to meet you. I'm (Name). I'm a first year."

"Nishinoya, he's the most troublesome," Ennoshita is saying. "No, Tanaka. No wait, still Nishinoya."

A really tall shadow falls over you. The biggest student you have ever seen approaches. He can't be considered a boy. He's a giant. You gulp. Is this the teacher? No, wait, you've seen him on the court. The man speaks: "Nishinoya is NOT the most troublesome."

Suga-san tsks: "You're being partial, Asahi. You're taking the lens of a parent towards his child."

"Objectively speaking, Nishinoya and Tanaka ARE the most troublesome," Daichi agrees.

"Daichi!" the man (Asahi?) says. 

"What? I'm speaking objectively!"

You turn to Narita, feeling a little bit overwhelmed. "I--"

Thankfully, he dives to your rescue. "That's Asahi-san. He's a third year, like Daichi-san and Suga-san." Then he calls out: "Guys! This is (Name)!"

Asahi-san turns to you. "Nice to meet you!" he smiles. You bow. "Thanks for the snacks," he says.

You smile. "It was Serina's idea."

"No, thank you for coming," Asahi-san says genuinely. _Soft hearted,_ you think.

You blush. "Ah..."

"Okay, team. Huddle up!" you hear someone call out. You trace the voice to a middle aged man with blonde hair held back in a hairband. _The coach!_ you remember. Next to him stands a teacher you've seen in the hallways. _Ah, that's Takeda-sensei!_

You slip out of the gym quickly. 

The sky is dark when you step outside. You can see the stars, and the half crescent moon. Vaguely, you hear the boys inside the gym shouting, and then a period of quiet where the coach is speaking. You continue to look at the night sky as you think about what happened today. It was fun, for sure, but also way too draining to meet all those people at once. You're exhausted. _I want to go home,_ you think, _but I need to say goodbye to everyone or else it'll be rude._

As if on cue, everyone shuffles out of the gym. You bid goodbye to Daichi, Suga, and Asahi, who are walking home with Beautiful Lady; as well as Nishinoya, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Narita, and Kinoshita, who are leaving the opposite direction. "Hopefully we'll see you soon!" Suga-san smiles. Narita waves. "Bye (Name)!" Hinata calls as he unlocks his bicycle. Kageyama echoes him. 

"Are they a couple," you wonder out loud.

Tsukishima snickers behind you. "They're two of a kind."

You turn and smile. "Hi."

Serina runs up to you. "Yamaguchi wants to walk me home. Is that okay? I promised I would take you home, but..."

"Serina, it's fine! I'm not a child! I can get home by myself!"

"But--"

"I can take her," Tsukishima cuts in. Both you and Serina look up at him, and then Serina grins: "Okay, then I'll leave her under your care. Thanks!" She runs off. "Bye, Tsukishima! Bye, (Name)! Call me when you get home!"

* * *

You and Tsukishima walk at a leisurely pace. "You don't actually have to take me home," you tell him.

"It's fine, it's basically on the way anyways."

"Okay." You look to the sky as the two of you walk. There are clouds in front of you, but the sky on top of your head is so purely blue. "It's getting colder. It's going to be autumn so soon."

"Favorite season?"

"Autumn." You close your eyes and smile, face tilted towards the moon, and inhale the sharp night air. "It smells like it already." You take another step, and you trip. Almost. Tsukishima catches you.

He looks at you, mouth quirking at one side. "You closed your eyes."

"I was savoring this sky, this smell... Here, you try." You stand on tiptoes and tilt his head to the moon. "Close your eyes." He obliges. "And inhale, exhale." You both stand for a moment, listening to each other's breathing. Clouds race each other over the sky, and you feel as if you can sense their shadows passing over your face.

"That was... magical." Tsukishima sounds stunned. 

"I know," you say. "I imagine this is what people who believe in God feel when they pray. It's almost... too much and too little, at the same time."

Tsukishima shakes his head. 

You're happy about his reaction, and your happiness dissolves into your being like sugar in water. "I was tired. Moments like these reenergize me."

"Yeah. I saw everyone crowded around you."

"I think I used a month's worth of my social batteries," you muse, and he laughs. It's clear, like bells.

"Take a nap. You'll be surprised, it does wonders."

"Today was nice though. I'm glad I went out."

"I'm glad you did too." 

Tsukishima is being tender right now, you think. Is it because of the magic of the night sky that the two of you just experienced? You don't know. But you're cherishing this quiet tenderness. You almost wish the way home was longer, and you're a little disappointed when the two of you reach your gate. He stops. You stop. He tilts his head. You walk up to your door. You turn. He's still standing there, head tilted, with the smallest of smiles. You don't want to break the silence. You're scared this precociousness of whatever this is might be broken.

But when he speaks, his voice is still less enunciated, still soft, still clear, and you know he feels the same. "Goodnight, (Name)."

"Goodnight, Tsukishima."


	14. Chapter 14

"Stop _fidgeting,_ " Serina is saying to you. She tugs on your hand and leads you to the rowdy group you were introduced to 10 some days ago. When you're within hearing distance, the first voice you hear is Tsukishima's: "Did you really think you could eat that triple sized katsudon in the morning and not get motion sickness?" Well, they're lively, you think.

"Hinata, you idiot! Dumbass idiot Hinata!" This is Kageyama, rushing towards a very gaunt looking Hinata. Yachi stands nearby with an applesauce drink.

Serina skips over to Yamaguchi, who's not looking too great himself, and helps him to his feet. "I'm going to bring Tadashi to the bathroom for a sec!" she throws over her shoulder. Leaving you, standing awkwardly on the periphery of the team, alone.

You debate slinking off and boarding the bus home, because now is the best time to run away if you're going to do it. You've not taken three steps when something hits the back of your head. A knee pad. You turn to see Tsukishima smirking. "Running away?" he calls out.

"I'm _not._ I don't want to be a bother so I'm looking for a place to sit in the stands, actually," you tell him.

"Everyone is too busy puking or trying not to puke. Come sit."

You trod over obediently and take a seat by his side, poking his foot with yours. He pokes back.

"Hey, your feet are kind of big."

"I'm leaving." You make a show of standing up huffily, but he pulls you back down, grinning. "No more mentioning my big feet. They're my 4th most hated body part. When my relatives send me shoes from the States they're always too small. I'm a size 9. I hate them."

"Hey, I like them. They have character," Tsukishima says. "And they match my feet. See?" He lines your feet with his. You notice with a lot of embarrassment that his feet are not that much bigger than your own. Strangely, you're also very conscious of where his foot touches yours. _It's through a shoes, (Name),_ you think furiously. _There are two thick layers of material in between. So get a grip!_ To focus yourself, you move your foot back quickly.

"Your everything is gigantic, so you don't look out of place for having big feet," you point out. "My feet defy the law of proportions. I--"

"(Name)!" You're interrupted by... _what's the name, what's the name..._

"Suga-san! Hi!" You wave, waving also to Daichi-san and Asahi-san.

"Have you come to cheer us on? Hahaha, silly me, of course you have. I'm so glad you and Tsukishima are good friends. He really had me worried at the beginning of the year, 'cos he's so prickly and intimidates everyone who's friendly to him. He's all like, _oh em gee. Why are these people talking to me. Why do I have to talk to them._ And he puts on his headphones like so-" here the grey-haired boy mimes putting on headphones, "-you know?"

You giggle.

"Suga-san, please don't impersonate me," Tsukishima deadpans.

"It's very spot on," you tell Suga-san earnestly. 

Asahi-san is quiet. Then he jerks. "My nerves are getting to me... I'm a little anxious-- hurp!"

Suga-san swivels. "I thought you were concentrating, but this whole time you were focus on not puking? Get thee to a bathroom! Quick!" 

Next to you, Tsukishima sighs. You turn to him. "Can I help with anything?"

He looks over at you. "Give me a massage."

"Okay."

"I was joking, dumbass."

"But I want to do it if it will help."

"Are you k--" Tsukishima stops. Then he smirks. "Okay, then please go ahead." He turns his back to you.

You shrug, not knowing what that was all about, and place your hands on his shoulders. They immediately tense under your touch. "Sorry," you blurt out.

The tips of his ears are red. "Nah, it's fine. I--"

"They've finished the match before ours. Let's go," Daichi-san calls out. 

Tsukishima gets to his feet and holds out a hand. You take it and he helps you up. "Good luck," you tell him.

"Thanks."

You tsk at him. "Where's the fighting energy? Where's the winner's mentality?"

A smiles fights to surface across Tsukishima's face. "You're lively enough for both of us. That's how this job goes."

"What's my payment, then?"

"Victory," he tells you. "I'll win this match for you."

A strange thumping pattern beats in your heart. Before you can think about it more, he's turning away from you, walking away with the rest of the team. You've seen backs like those your entire life -- in elementary school when your friends run in front of you, in middle school when your parents left for yet another half year long business trip -- they are poised and confident and never look back.

But Tsukishima does look back. And his gaze warms you, from inside out.


End file.
